I'm definitely feeling the butterflies! This last year seemed to take so long and now we're almost to the finish line and I'm panicking a bit. How will Boom Boom and Potato Bug adapt to two more kids? Boom Boom is nonverbal and has autism and Down Syndrome. Change is not his strong suit. He always adapts but needs to do it at his pace. He adores Potato Bug and really did from day one so I'm optimistic this next homecoming won't be any different. Well, actually it will be different! PB was 2 yrs 8 months at homecoming and was very independent. Hoot is a baby and will have all the wonderful needs that come along with a baby. I'm expecting a few tears from both of them in this adjusting process! Boom Boom has a hard time waiting for his needs to be met. When that boy wants to eat it's not something he's patient about! He doesn't self feed so when he wants to eat it's a process. What if they both want to eat at the same time???? Oh boy!
Potato Bug is super excited for a brother and sister! He talks about it all the time and has big plans for Scholar and Hoot. However I don't think he really realizes yet how much they both will need Baba and I. PB needs constant assurance in his attachment to us, especially me. I feel our attachment is strong but I don't feel he's always secure. He needs constant touch and attention from me, his tank is rarely full. I could pour attention into him all day and he still needs to have a hand on me, I'm his lifeline and he's so not ready to ease his hold, let alone share. He is going to join us in China on this trip, he needs to. We were planning on going solo so that we could focus on Scholar and Hoot. But PB needs to see this journey through. He's been a part of this process and has been anticipating his siblings coming home from the beginning. It's also brought up a lot of questions about his adoption and he's so open to his story and the dialogue has been wonderful. Scholar and him are from the same orphanage and he wants to go back. He want's to see where he played, his bed, his nannies, and where he spent his first few years. He was very close to his nannies but has no memories other than what we tell him and the pictures we have. Adoption is very traumatic. These babies are handed to strangers, it's legalized kidnapping. Many of these kids have never seen a white person before. Imagine the fear they must feel (on our most anticipated day!!) being handed to someone who looks, smells, and talks different from anything they've ever seen! So really, it's no wonder Potato Bug remembers nothing, it's a defensive mechanism to move on and accept this change that he has no control over. He was speaking at the time we adopted him but used very little Chinese with us. He starting mimicking english on day 1, he never looked back. I'm a little nervous if this trip will trigger any memories. He does have nightmares sometimes and I'm expecting more to come! What he can't verbalize comes out in his dreams.
This is a very special photo, one of my favorites. This
was taken on our way to visit his orphanage. He had been our son for 4 days. We were just
starting to really attach. He was becoming trusting of us and accepting
our affection and attention. I was so scared we would lose that progress but knew we
had to take the chance. Some families choose to not go back because of
the risk of re traumatizing the child. PB had already said goodbye to his friends and nannies.
But this was the only chance we had to see his beginnings and to document that for him.
We felt that someday he would want that glimpse into his first few years. So we took that chance.
That chance also brought Scholar to us. If we didn't go that day we never
would be bringing Scholar home.
So this last "trimester" is conjuring up so much of my feelings with Potato Bugs adoption. He really has done remarkable and I hope for the same with Scholar and Hoot. Just like any birth, they're all different and we just hope, that as parents, we have the wisdom to guide them well on this journey.
See you soon Scholar and Hoot!
*While writing this post Potato Bug has been sitting next to me and rubbing and kissing my arm the whole time. Nothing is sweeter than when he rubs his lips along my arm like a feather. Love you Potato Bug!
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