This piece is for you Mr. Glen

And here is something else a lot of you don't know.  A few months ago I decided to get a job to help towards our adoption costs.  Working has been a challenge for me, I've tried over the years and it doesn't usually pan out.  This biggest challenge is trying to find work that will allow me to work around my kids schedules.  Boom Boom is in multiple therapies, has a compromised immune system (gets sick a lot!), and Potato Bug is only in Preschool a few days a week.  My husband works long crazy hours, and being the main bread winner, he can't really help much with childcare.  I wanted to avoid the cost of childcare because then it defeated the purpose of me working!

After a lot of thought I went back to my roots!!  I've always loved working with kids!  I started babysitting at 11 and never really stopped!  I ran a successful daycare and preschool for eleven years which blessed me with some amazing kiddos to watch grow from babies to now college graduates!  I joined Care.com and thought maybe I'd nanny or watch one child as that would fit in with our crew and I could still be mobile.  Nothing really seemed to fit my schedule so I decided to look at companion care for the elderly.  Yeah, not really my wheelhouse!!!  To me, older peeps, are pretty adorable though.    They're vulnerable, can be cranky, love attention, love to talk and reminisce, and enjoy a good cookie or sweet.  Really not that different from the little kids I've cared for!

This is when I found Mr. Glen, my sweet sweet Mr. Glen!  He was in the late state stages of Alzheimer's. His daughter, posted an add on Care.com, looking for someone to keep him company 3 days a week.  Her and I talked and she really just wanted to have someone sit with him from 9-3.  It really was the perfect job!  I could take PB with me and I was off in time to go get Boom Boom off the bus.  His daughter said he liked to watch TV, have someone to talk too, and eating.  He loved to eat!  I have absolutely no experience with Alzheimer's!  The first day I met him I said "Hi Mr. Glen, my name is Madre (LOL!) and I will be keeping you company a few days a week."  His response, "well, aren't you a lucky lady!"

The first day was a snoozer!!!!  This was not going to fly!  We sat side by side for 6 hours watching TV and talking here and there.  There was no way I was going to last or was it good for him.  He was in overall good health but just spent his days sitting.  So on day 2 we mixed it up and never looked back!  That was the last day on that couch.  Mr. Glen has absolutely no short term memory whatsoever though.  I spent those first few weeks getting to know him and we played tons of games.  I was able to get an idea of what his interest and strengths were.  He liked playing bingo, playing cards (he would match),  cooking and going for car rides.  His daughter was very supportive and gave me free reign in his daily care.  I was able to take him on field trips with Potato bugs school, car rides, doctor appointments with the kids,  Potato Bugs Little Gym class, to the park, and to my house.

We also had some challenges.  Again, I have zero experience with this disease.  It's not a nice disease at all but there are parts of it I can like.....just a little.  Mr. Glen lived in the moment.  He enjoyed every moment.  Sometimes we forget to just enjoy the moment.  He couldn't remember my name so he called me his lady.  When I came in the morning he would recognize me, greet me with a hug and ask if that was my "rig' out front.  He would go on about how sweet my rig was and he sure would like a ride.  So of course, we would go for a ride!  He would always look out his window and give a "all clear!"  Of course he never looked the other direction so if I would taken his word for it we would've been creamed countless times!  Love this guy!  He really was a like a kid, he took so much pleasure in the simple things and appreciated everything.  We would talk and he would share stories of his past.  I thought he was making it all up but after verifying with his daughter I found out he did grow up on a farm, rode horses, was a pilot, and was a police officer!  This is what I like about his Alzheimer's.  He enjoyed life in the moment, everyday was a wonder, everything he enjoyed was like the first time.  He had a wicked funny sense of humor and had me rolling.  He could throw out the zingers like nobody!  But then there are parts, obviously, about Alzheimer's that are cruel.  He lost his dignity.  He knew he couldn't remember things so he compensated for that.  He can't remember that he had a wife, children,  or a home.  He always thought he was alone if he wasn't with someone.  Whoever he was with, whether it was me, his daughter, or grandkids- they were his anchor to reality.  His worst fear is being alone.  If I would walk out of the room he'd be on my heel because if he can't see me he doesn't know where he is.  Our other challenge is that he's hungry all the time because he can't remember that he already ate.  If I remind him, he compensates (he knows he doesn't know!) with an excuse.  I only did that twice.  I never reminded him again.  I just told him like it was the first time.  He saw Potato Bug almost every time I had him yet he could never remember who he was.  We'd take him to his Gym class, go in together, and then as soon as PB was in his class he'd forget why we were there.  If PB came up to me he'd ask if I knew that kid and why does he keep talking to us.  I had to explain a LOT to PB!!!!  Mr. Glen was like a small child and sometimes they fought.  Mr. Glen would take his food off his plate, take toys out of his hand, and then in the next moment boss him like he was the parent.  It was super confusing for PB at first but after explaining to him about his disease it was so amazing to see PB's caring heart take over!  Just like he looks out for Boom Boom he did the same for Mr. Glen.  He tolerated the bossiness, didn't shriek if he ate his food, and wanted to do things that made him happy.  I'm so glad that PB got to experience this!  The world is made of up of people of all ages with many different abilities and challenges.  As human beings we should always treat people with respect no matter what!  We should always help and include those around us.

The absolute hardest part of my day was saying goodbye to Mr. Glen!  I dreaded driving him home, it was so heartbreaking!   I would always announce "we're home" and he would say "I don't live here!"  We'd go in and he wouldn't recognize his family and would want to leave with me again.  Of course the minute I walked out the door he forgot that he spent the day with me.  He remembered absolutely nothing about what we did each day. Poof, it's gone, just like that!  He literally lived in the moment because when it was over he wouldn't remember it again.  Normally I watched him Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.  On Memorial day weekend I had Monday off.  On Tuesday, the day after the holiday, I went to his house as usual.  His daughter and I wen't over his weekend and how he was.  She said he had a pretty rough weekend.  He really wasn't eating as much, and was freezing (forgot to mention, he's always cold!!!) and was becoming more incontinent.  She was going to take him to the doctor the following week to discuss the progression of his Alzheimer.s.  He's been in the final stage for awhile and usually after diagnosis most people live for 6-7 yrs.  He was at 7 yrs living with this.  She said he was stumbling a bit so to hold his arm.  We had planned on going to the pet store but decided to stay in as he pretty much fell asleep anyway.  Normally he wants to go for a ride but I could tell he was tired!  After a few hours I woke him, got him to eat a bit, and he was ready for a car ride.  As soon as we got in the car he fell back asleep.  I decided to take him to my house and he could barely get up the stairs.  For the first time in 3 months that I had cared for him he didn't follow me around the house!!  He never lets me leave his sight.  He was also freezing to the point of chattering teeth.  At this point I was worried, this was not his normal.  I took his temperature and it was 105!!  I freaked and felt absolutely horrible!  I had felt him at his house and he didn't feel hot to me.  He's always cold too so that didn't really give me a clue.  After taking off his layers and giving him Ibuprofen his temp dropped to 103. I got a hold of his daughter and she took him to the ER.  He had a bladder infection and pneumonia.  His prognosis was not good.  I went and visited him in the hospital a few days later and their was a glimmer of my sweet Mr. Glen.  He was so happy to see me and wanted to talk.  We talked off an on for a few hours and watched TV, it totally reminded me of our first day together!  And it was to be our last day.

Today Mr. Glen passed away.  I will really miss him and am so glad that I had the honor to care for him for his last 3 months.  I'm honored that I was able to bring him some happiness and that we got to know each other.  I will never forget you Mr. Glen!  Mr. Glen is part of our adoption journey as well.  The funds I earned caring for him helped pay a portion of our agency fees.  I think he'd like that!  He loved kids and we talked about our adoption frequently, it was a new an wondrous story to him each time I told him.  So Mr. Glen,  I have a special puzzle piece just for you!  Your name will go on a puzzle piece for each of our kids and I can't wait to tell them about how special you were!

Being crafty!

He loved blowing bubbles!

Mr. Glen's first selfie.  He had never heard that word before.

Playing sand with Potato Bug

Always ready to give Boom Boom a helping hand.

Fun at the beach!  So glad he got some sunny days, they were his favorite!

Woo hoo, 2nd selfie ever!

Baking cookies!

"OFF we go into the wild blue yonder,

Here they come zooming to meet our thunder

     Climbing high into the sun"      Mr. Glen sang this Airforce song every time we got in the car.

Pieces to our puzzle!

The pieces are coming together to bring our kids home!  We are going to fundraise this time around.  We fully funded Potato Bugs adoption and are almost there with these two as well!  Adopting two at one time though has proved to be a financial challenge and we're hoping we can provide some meaningful opportunities for our friends and family to help us along!

Here's what we got in the works!!  Our first fundraiser is a puzzle.  We will have a puzzle for each child and are hoping you will feel led to sponsor them by buying a piece to help bring them home!  This will also be a wonderful keepsake for our kids!  For every puzzle piece you buy we will write your name on the back of the puzzle.  As we sell pieces we will assemble the puzzle.  Once it's complete we will frame it between two pieces of clear glass so the kids can see who was a piece in the puzzle bringing them home!  I chose a moment in our adoption that has a lot of meaning to us.  This moment hasn't happened for our kiddos yet so Potato Bug's picture will be a stand it until their  moment is documented and made into a puzzle upon their return. Also it will be extra special for Scholar to assemble his own puzzle when he gets home.  

So here is how it works:

1.  Comment or message me that you would like to buy a piece.

2.  Cost is $20 a piece.  However that will put your name on all 3 puzzles.  We didn't do this for PB and think it would be a great memento for him as well.  He will know that he has a great group of family and friends embracing him as well.

3.  You can either mail us a check (we will PM the address to you) or you can make a payment on Paypal.  My username/email is heidifidanque@gmail.com  

4.  Click on the Paypal link below to go directly to their site.  From there you can send in a donation if you wish to sponsor a piece.

Paypal.com

Our goal is to sell all 312 pieces!  This would be huge for us!  Up until now we have paid all of our agency fees, Dossier fees, USCIS fees, and medical review fees (this one was big this time around.)  The funds for the puzzle will be used to pay the required orphanage donation fee which is $5700 per child.  Last month I wrote a letter to Scholars orphanage requesting a waiver or fee reduction.  We were so graciously granted a reduction and his fee has been reduced to $800!!  This doesn't happen often so we are very grateful!  

We can't wait to see this puzzle come together!!!  I will post pictures of the puzzle as it's being completed!  Now to just find a good puzzle making spot that won't fall victim to Boom Boom!!!

We're coming Scholar and Hoot!!

Update:

June 28, 2015

It's a start!!  We got 17 pieces sponsored!  Super appreciative and grateful for the support!  My biggest fear with this fundraiser is losing a piece!  I have a very touchy 4 year old helping!

The last trimester!

I see the similarities between pregnancy and adoption all the time!  We're in the final stretch!  We're buying clothes, having to get bedrooms ready, planning for daddy's time off work,  preparing the kids for new siblings, and overcome with anticipation of our growing family!

I'm definitely feeling the butterflies!  This last year seemed to take so long and now we're almost to the finish line and I'm panicking a bit.  How will Boom Boom and Potato Bug adapt to two more kids?  Boom Boom is nonverbal and has autism and Down Syndrome.  Change is not his strong suit.  He always adapts but needs to do it at his pace.  He adores Potato Bug and really did from day one so I'm optimistic this next homecoming won't be any different.  Well, actually it will be different!  PB was 2 yrs 8 months at homecoming and was very independent.  Hoot is a baby and will have all the wonderful needs that come along with a baby.  I'm expecting a few tears from both of them in this adjusting process!  Boom Boom has a hard time waiting for his needs to be met.  When that boy wants to eat it's not something he's patient about!  He doesn't self feed so when he wants to eat it's a process.  What if they both want to eat at the same time????  Oh boy!

Potato Bug is super excited for a brother and sister!  He talks about it all the time and has big plans for Scholar and Hoot.  However I don't think he really realizes yet how much they both will need Baba and I.  PB needs constant assurance in his attachment to us, especially me.  I feel our attachment is strong but I don't feel he's always secure.  He needs constant touch and attention from me, his tank is rarely full.  I could pour attention into him all day and he still needs to have a hand on me, I'm his lifeline and he's so not ready to ease his hold, let alone share.  He is going to join us in China on this trip, he needs to.  We were planning on going solo so that we could focus on Scholar and Hoot.  But PB needs to see this journey through.  He's been a part of this process and has been anticipating his siblings  coming home from the beginning.  It's also brought up a lot of questions about his adoption and he's so open to his story and the dialogue has been wonderful.  Scholar and him are from the same orphanage and he wants to go back.  He want's to see where he played, his bed, his nannies, and where he spent his first few years.  He was very close to his nannies but has no memories other than what we tell him and the pictures we have.  Adoption is very traumatic.  These babies are handed to strangers, it's legalized kidnapping.  Many of these kids have never seen a white person before.  Imagine the fear they must feel (on our most anticipated day!!) being handed to someone who looks, smells, and talks different from anything they've ever seen!  So really, it's no wonder Potato Bug remembers nothing, it's a defensive mechanism to move on and accept this change that he has no control over.  He was speaking at the time we adopted him but used very little Chinese with us.  He starting mimicking english on day 1, he never looked back.  I'm a little nervous if this trip will trigger any memories.  He does have nightmares sometimes and I'm expecting more to come!  What he can't verbalize comes out in his dreams.  

This is a very special photo, one of my favorites.  This

was taken on our way to visit his orphanage.  He had been our son for 4 days.  We were just

starting to really attach.  He was becoming trusting of us and accepting

our affection and attention.  I was so scared we would lose that progress but knew we 

had to take the chance.  Some families choose to not go back because of

the risk of re traumatizing the child.  PB had already said goodbye to his friends and nannies.

But this was the only chance we had to see his beginnings and to document that for him.  

We felt that someday he would want that glimpse into his first few years.  So we took that chance.

That chance also brought Scholar to us.  If we didn't go that day we never

would be bringing Scholar home. 

So this last "trimester" is conjuring up so much of my feelings with Potato Bugs adoption.  He really has done remarkable and I hope for the same with Scholar and Hoot. Just like any birth, they're all different and we just hope, that as parents, we have the wisdom to guide them well on this journey.

See you soon Scholar and Hoot!

*While writing this post Potato Bug has been sitting next to me and rubbing and kissing my arm the whole time.  Nothing is sweeter than when he rubs his lips along my arm like a feather.  Love you Potato Bug!  

Already thinking of next Father's day!

What a weekend we had!!  It was a weekend of ups and downs, not sure how we were going to end it! On Friday we got what all adoptive parents live for when they're waiting to bring their kids home.  WE GOT A UPDATE!!!!  I couldn't believe how quick we got it!  On Wednesday I sent a request for an update on our daughter.  We haven't had an update since we got her referral in February, right after we got matched.  This was our last update request we will receive so I was super excited and thoughtful in the questions I asked.  Normally it can take 1-2 weeks (if you're lucky!) and I got it on Friday, barely 2 days!!  Our caseworker said that was just about a record!

The update made me a bit sad.  It really shows the disparity of where she is and where Scholar is.  His orphanage is bright, well maintained, full of toys, books, crafts, computer room, and a indoor playroom.  Granted, I've toured his orphanage so I got to see what it was like, I'm not speculating.  The photos of Hoot looked sad and void of color and happiness.  I'm basing my impression on a 5 second video and 3 pictures so I' hoping I'm just not seeing the full picture!  They say that she is super happy but the last few photos show an apprehensive and sad little baby.  I'm hoping it's just her having a grumpy moment.    The room she is in is devoid of color and looks very institutional.  I just have to remind myself that this is almost the end for her, she is coming home at 15 months old.   Scholar has spent almost 13 years without a family so I'm so grateful that he's been in a decent orphanage.  He's had opportunities and resources that a lot of orphans haven't had, so for that I'm grateful for the care he has received.  But let's just hope it was a bad photo/angle and that she's in a good place too!!

Now to the update!
Hugs comfort her when she's crying.
Her favorite toy is a rattle.
Her favorite food is rice noodles.
She has no words yet.
She can walk with assistance and she is crawling.
She is called Peng Peng.
She is 17 pounds.  She's a little peanuttle!

We didn't get quite everything answered but it's something!  I love Peng Peng, we will weave that into her name!  Also happy to hear she's mobile!  Based on our previous photos she was always on her tummy, never sitting up.  So that is a relief!    Grateful for the update but it sure makes me miss her more!  Hard seeing her cry and her sad face.  Hoot can't get home quick enough!!

Boom Boom spent the weekend trying to decide if he was going to be sick or not.  He has been so off his game this week!  He threw up a few times randomly but never got sick, as in nonstop flu like sick.  He didn't want to eat and was so grumpy!!!  We had plans, big plans for Father's day and this was not looking good for us!!  With our crew we have to go by the seat of our pants a lot, you just never know what the day is going to bring!

But today brought Father's day with two happy boys and no sign of sickness!  Today was Gamer's last Father's day as a daddy of three (we can't forget his furry child, Phoebe!!).  Next year his lap is going to be fuller with two more to hold.  This will be the last Father's day they will be orphans.  Next year will be a year of firsts for these two little loves that I can't wait to share with them.  It still boggles my mind and sends me into panic when I think of having 4 kiddos at home!  That's crazy!  Today the plan was to do a family caravan to Leavenworth, Washington with my parents, brother, and niece.  It's a little Bavarian town in the mountains east of where we live in Lake Stevens.  It's about a 2 hour drive over the mountain passes.  This morning was chaos trying to get ready!!  Potato bug really wanted to make Baba breakfast in bed but there was no time for such daddy spoilage, he was getting McDonalds on the way!  I was scrambling to pack snacks, extra clothes (just in case we had a puker!), sunscreen, Boom Boom's food, and 500 other things we needed for a day trip.  Oh, and we had to rush dad through opening his gifts....we had a schedule and we were already running 20 minutes behind.  Next year there will be two more, two more to pack for, two more to hustle, two more to make Father's day cards with, and two more to be a part of our Forever Family!  It's going to be epic!

Room for two more 

She's a Hoot and a holler!

Our sweet little Hoot!  Oh how I'm counting the days until you're wiggling little self is in my arms!  With Scholar we have been blessed with a lot of updates!!  With Hoot we have some basic info and a few pictures that melt us into a puddle of goo!

But this is really how expecting a baby is!  When you're pregnant you have 9 months to fantasize and dream about your little bundle of joy!  Trying to imagine what you're little love is going to look like, such sweet torturous anticipation!!  You go to your prenatal visits, listen to the heartbeat, get a slight scolding that a pint of Ben and Jerry's a day really isn't the best food to grow a baby!  The ultrasounds!!  Modern technology at it's best!  To see your child in 4D before birth is an amazing modern miracle! You obsess over the clothes, oh the clothes!!  Trying to picture your little lentil in all the things you have amassed!  This is the point where shopping for yourself ceases to exist because nothing can be as cute and adorable as little baby outfits....nothing compares!!

Adoption is also fraught with excitement and obsessing!  I've experienced having a positive pregnancy test and getting a phone call that we have a referral for a baby!  They were both so eagerly anticipated that I can't even compare the two.  That moment when you KNOW another life is joining your family is a moment in time no parent ever forgets.  When I got that phone call that they had a baby girl needing a family I was almost too scared to look!  Has mentioned in my previous posts, it has not been an easy road to finding our daughter.  It's been tough and one of the hardest emotional roller coasters we have ever been on! When I saw her picture, I literally squealed!!  She was just perfect and ADORABLE!!  Of course along with the picture comes the medical info, development, and daily life.  Again, there is not a little history because at the time of referral she was only 9 months old.  But here's what we got:

-She's a Denver Broncos fan (dressed like a boy in blue and orange).  This girl needs some blue and green fast!!
-She does not like pink or is worried her sweater makes her look fat.
-She loves to roll around on the floor mat.
-She loves toys with sounds.
-Quote from her file "she is lovely and ready to smile"
-She laughs aloud.
-She has spina bifida occulta.
-And she likes to be held to sleep while she sucks on her two fingers.

This is our Hoot!  Sounds pretty amazing to us!

We are eagerly anticipating another update on our Hoot so for now this is what we got about our sweet baby girl!  The last tidbit is her nickname.  When we started the process five years ago to bring home a daughter I started collecting owls for her.  I've always loved owls and it just connected with me.  So hopefully she'll like owls because she will have quite a few!!

Gentleman and a Scholar

We are so excited to bring home our sweet boy!  It's been two years since we met him in China and just about 1 year since we knew he was our son and had to bring him home.  Well the seed was definitely planted two years ago, it just took a year to get firmly planted and to grow in our hearts and soul.

A little about our Scholar, we are fortunate to know a lot about him!  We've been able to learn about him from many others who have met him.  For 3 summers he has been able to participate in a week long camp called Bring Me Hope.  It's an opportunity for orphans to enjoy what most kids here get without any thought.  A week of games, being outdoors, swimming, and all the fun that comes with camp.  They are matched with an American volunteer that is their counselor for the week.  Scholar had the most amazing counselor last year that was so special to him and to us.  She was his friend and encouraged him so much that week.  She has also been able to tell us so much about him and the pictures....so many pictures!!!  To actually get pictures of your child's life before adoption is so rare!  There has also been several families who have traveled to his orphanage to bring home their children.  They have asked him questions for us, given him letters, and taken tons of pictures.  It's truly been a gift and has made the wait a bit more bearable!  This is so different from Potato Bugs adoption.  For PB we got a file on him and two updates from the orphanage before we met him.  That's not a lot.  It was basic information about his daily habits, schedule, and medical.  Nothing that said who he really was.   We've had the greatest two years as PB's parents and are still seeing his sweet and spicy personality emerging!

We have been gifted with a ton on Scholar!!!!  He has a sweet soul.  He loves and cares for others,  and he is a leader.  Most orphans in China don't have the opportunity for education.  Some may get some instruction in the orphanage a few may get to go to school in the community.  Scholar has been fortunate to be educated in the community.  He can read/write Mandarin (that is not common) and tutors the other children.  He loves science, technology, reading, Chinese history, and animals.  We also found out that he has two functional patents in China!!  Scholar loves to read.  If given a choice of any activity he will be reading.  The lights are turned off a lot in the orphanage to conserve energy.  It drove him nuts that he couldn't see or write in the evenings.  So he invented a pen that lights up.  I seriously expected a Macgyver attempt, like a pen with a flashlight taped to it but was shocked by what he came up with as a 10 yr old!  It's a real pen with a built in light.  His two inventions have been published and registered in China.  He's an amazing kid, that despite his rough beginnings has passion and  makes the most of any opportunity he is given.  I'm totally inspired by Scholar and can't wait to bring him home so he can pursue his dreams to the fullest.

Scholar also has some physical challenges.  He has Morquio Syndrome, well we're 90% sure that is what he has.  When we met him we knew he had dwarfism.  When we got his medical file we were a little thrown because it wasn't one of the more common types of dwarfism.  Morquio Syndrome (also know as MPS IV) is a very rare degenerative genetic disorder.  His body doesn't produce the enzymes to break down sugar.  The sugars get stored in the body and degenerate the bones over time.  Scholar's legs are severely affected, his legs are bent and he's stuck in a sitting position as his knees are bent inward.  He has not had the test done to fully diagnose him which will happen when he gets home.  Not sure what he's going to face but sure there will be surgeries in his future.  The one thing he will have though is a family to face it with him!  Oh, and he doesn't let this hinder him at all!  I have pictures of him rollerblading, climbing, jumping, and playing with his friends!!  This is our Scholar.

Last week I was out shopping for some picture frames and found this sign.  How cool is that?

Butterflies and a little Hoot!

I have butterflies, serious butterflies in my belly!  This is getting real, very real!  Today we received our LSC.  I know an acronym, so annoying, so I shall enlighten you.  That is our Letter Seeking Confirmation which means we are officially approved to adopt our son.  We received pre approval at the beginning when we first started the process last August so this has been in the works for awhile!  So now I have some serious butterflies!!  This means were are a few months from travel, for reals!!!  Probably September.  That has been our goal but just that.  This is making it more concrete!

I also have butterflies because I have more to say.  This is just getting so real.  I feel like I need to cut to the chase and then I will tell you all how this miracle happened!!  After 5 whole years of tears and waiting we are also bringing home a daughter!!  Yep, it's for real, there will be another female in this house!  My Scattered butterflies are coming home!!  How???  It's a miracle really.  I couldn't have planned it because planning hasn't quite worked out for us.  This happened because it was meant to happen.

When we started the process to bring the Scholar home we also formally left the Ethiopia program.  The program wasn't moving and we knew it was time to say goodbye.  We had The Scholar to focus on and that made it easier.  Of course, my mind kept thinking about a girl!!  I asked Gamer if we could adopt two kids.  Um, he gave me the crazy look!  He was a little hesitant because, hello, that's 4 kids at home!!!  We only have two and doubling it seemed a bit nuts, not to mention the financial responsibility of bringing home another.  Well it really was a long shot anyway so I wasn't too sure it would happen.  We had looked at the files of girls waiting and we didn't see one a girl that was a good fit for our family.  This is the part of adoption I hate!!!!  All these children are precious and deserving and I felt a bit like God picking out a child.  That part of the experience is hard to reconcile at times.  But I had to consider the needs of all my children.  Boom Boom has Down Syndrome and Autism.  He requires a lot of attention and also has limited mobility.  The Scholar also has a disability (more about that later) and has limited mobility.  So really, baby girl, had to be a child with minor needs.  There are actually more boys in China in need of parents than girls.  All the girls we saw had pretty significant needs that I knew would be difficult for me to manage.

The next step was to wait for a match.  We told our agency what needs we were open to and the age range.  So we waited.  We really didn't have a lot of time.  We started this process in September and had until about April to have a match so we could pick up the kids on the same trip.  Seems like a lot of time but not really!  We had a few potential matches but upon medical review we knew that we couldn't proceed.  Again, the part I don't like!  All these girls were precious and deserving.  I sometimes wish I had 8 arms and had an endless supply of energy so I could have done it!

On January 14th, 2015 we finally got the match we had been waiting for!!  A beautiful 2 yr old girl with a repaired heart condition.  We were ecstatic!!  She would be the same age as Potato bug was at the time of adoption.  We thought how awesome is that!!  Then on January 16th we lost her due to a computer glitch!!!  We waited forever for this girl and she was gone!!  The CCCWA (The China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption) hosts a giant database of all the children available for adoption in China.  When a family identifies a child for adoption they are matched with that child in the database.  It takes the child off the available list and allows the family to proceed with their adoption.  Well just a week or so before we were entered into the system they had just done a huge system update.  Well apparently these don't always go over so well!!!  Has our case manager was entering us into the system we got deleted!!  Right as she pushed the "accept" button we got deleted and our dear daughter went back out onto the database!  Agencies from all over the world peruse this database to find potential children for their adoptive families.  Once they lock a file it's theirs to have for 3 days.  They have 3 days to either lock her file (what we were trying to do) or to release her for another family.  This all happened on SUPER BOWL SUNDAY weekend!!!!!!  When this happened on Friday it was already Saturday in China so there was nothing to do until Monday.  So if no other agency took her we could maybe get her back.  Worst weekend ever.  Crappy crappy crappy SUPER BOWL LOSS of all time and we lost her.  Monday came and she was gone.   Seriously there must be some cosmic force that is telling us a daughter is not in the cards for us!!

Gamer and I were contemplating our situation.  Can we afford to proceed?  At this point we had spent about $1500 in just medical reviews and the emotional toll was just as high.  I've never had a miscarriage but this felt just as painful as I could imagine that being.  On January 22 I was driving Boom Boom to Seattle Children's Hospital for Gtube surgery.  Phone rang and it was our agency they had another girl.  I was kind of hesitant and said I'd look later.  She urged me to look at her file ASAP.  So I pulled over and couldn't believe what I was seeing!!!!  I kind of freaked actually.  Seriously nobody gets two perfect matches in a week!!  This match was a bit scary at first though, I really wasn't sure we could take on this need.  This "need" required diapers, bottles, and all that baby stuff!  Yes, we just got matched with a 9 MONTH OLD BABY!!!!!!  We were not planning on that at all.  We were expecting a 3-6 yr old!!  She is the cutest little thing!!!  After the initial shock and panic wore off that we would be the parents of a 1, 4, 8, 12, and 23 yr old- we said yes!!!   Oh and the parents of 3 grandkids, can't forget those darlings!!  Our youngest will be younger than our grandkids!!  

Sorry for the dramatics, but on January 23rd we lost this one as well.  Same problem.  Our agency was assured that the IT (computer tech) had fixed the problem after the last loss.  Again it was Friday and Saturday in China.  Our whole team was devastated.  I actually feel sorry for our case manager having to be the person to call me.  I lost my shit!!!!!!  This didn't just wreck me it wrecked us all.  Our agency was at a loss as to how this could've happened again.  In hindsight we never ever should have done this on a Friday.  We should have had the CCCWA on the phone as we entered her so they could manually hold her for us.  Once she's gone they can't reverse it and take her back from another agency.  The staff watched the list all weekend to see if she was still there.  If I remember correctly she was gone at 1:00pm the following day.  Another agency had taken her.  Because of her age I knew she would find a home.  In the end that is what is important (only comfort I could give myself).  She would never know what she meant to us or that she was our daughter first.  I'm sure she'll go on to have a happy life and wonderful caring parents somewhere else.  We were so heartbroken.  The first one was hard this one was impossible.  Parenting during this time was difficult has was being a wife, this was the darkest of darkest days for us.  I know we aren't the first person to experience the loss of a child but this was our reality and this was a death.

This was the end for us at this point.  We were done and were now just going to focus on our sons and bringing home The Scholar.  I was trying to find the excitement but it was hard.  I reached out to every adoptive mother I knew and poured my heart and grief out to them.  No one knew we had a daughter (small circle of family and that was it) so it was so hard to be grieving and everyone around us thought our lives were just plugging along.  I was very thankful for these mama's , they probably thought I was a little cray cray because I was!!!  Ugh, never want to be there again.

On January 28th our case manager called.  Gamer had just got home from work and I was bawling.  I told him I couldn't get over this.  How can anyone be attached to a child they never met?  She was only ours for 2 days.  How can I be this messed up?  To me she was Ethiopia.  She was the baby we wanted 5 years ago.  We had made piece that that was over.  I was ok with not having a baby and was prepared for a older child.  So when we got this little girl it was a miracle!  She was the end and beginning of this crazy journey.  She was where we started 5 years and was finally the daughter coming home.  That's the only explanation I could come up with for losing my marbles.  My phone was still ringing.  I told Gamer I wasn't answering it.  I hadn't talked to our agency since we lost her.  I couldn't talk to anyone.  I was worried they were going to have a file for us and I had no desire to ever see another file.  Gamer and I sat in the middle of the kids playroom for awhile and the ever patient husband listened to my heart ache.  Finally I decided to listen to the voicemail.  It was a bit before 5 and she wanted me to call her.  She was going to wait until 5:30.  I was pretty annoyed as I did not want to be bothered and frankly I was mad at everyone at this point.

Our conversation:

Me:  Hi, it's Madre, just returning your call.  (haha, if only I said Madre!)
Her:  I'm probably the last person you want to talk too.
Me:  Yes you are  (I'm so mean!!!!)
Her:  We got her back, she's yours, we found her.
Me:  Most ugly cry imaginable!

I then proceeded to throw the phone at my husband and bawled like a baby.  I never got a word out.  Nothing, nada!  So proud of Gamer and his ability to soldier on!  He caught that phone, paced like a madman,  and talked in a "I just won the mega millions!!!!!" voice!  Still kind of a blur to be honest.  Once sanity returned and I was able to speak and listen I found out the story.  The other agency that had her couldn't find a family for her!!  HOW????  She's beautiful and perfect!!  She has Spina Bifida, a very mild form of it but they had no families open to that need.  So our case manager happened to be on the database that morning.  She saw our baby, our Hoot!  She said that was a miracle of all miracles!  And here is where it's a real miracle.  Our agency couldn't lock her.  Once you release a file (in our case lose!) you can't lock that same file for 7 days.  However the CCCWA said that is she became available again they would manually lock her for us.  So our dear sweet case manager (love her again) stayed at the computer all day refreshing the screen as our translated tried for hours to get the IT person on the phone.

So there you have it!  We are going to China to bring home our Scholar and our Hoot!  These kids are so loved and we fought so hard for them.  Every ounce of pain, tears, insanity, and heartache was worth it.  Phew.

And we shall call him Scholar.

It's Monday and I'm exhausted!  Maybe you are too?  It was a busy weekend of friends, sun, and family so I'm not complaining!  Last night insomnia got it's hold on me and now I got my hold on my third cup of coffee!

So in light of it being Monday, just the beginning of a busy week, I think we should start it off with some exciting news!! Many of our friends and family know we are adopting again!  Yep, we have another son calling for us.  He's special, oh so special.  Can't even do justice in describing how special he is.  I know, seriously, 4th boy!!!!  I thought with adoption I had a choice.  Nope, not really.  Just like with a pregnancy you are blessed with the child you are meant to have.

This son really is a miracle, as all my children are.  But he wasn't meant to be our son.  I say that in that when we brought Potato bug home our intention was to return for a daughter.  That was our plan.  A 12 year old boy wasn't the plan.  But really, plans are just a guide to give us some focus and direction.  Without some planning though none of our kids would be here today.  It's the ability to not be locked into a plan that brings us treasures we couldn't have planned if we tried!

I know get to the point!  What made us change our plan?  When we were touring Potato bugs orphanage we were invited to stay for lunch.  As we were finishing up a gaggle of school kids came in for lunch.  Gamer and I were quite the spectacle in his long hair and my blond headed glory!  Also my tattoos were quite fascinating to behold!  I asked the nannies if I could say hi to the kids and give them some candy.  The kids were between the ages of 8-10 I'm guessing.  I gave this one boy a handful of suckers.  He proceeded to hand them to another child.  We repeated this until he made sure every child had a handful of suckers.  Finally he accepted the last handful.  He gave me the sweetest, shyest glances.  I was so moved by this experience.

Gamer and I left with cute adorable Potato bug and I could feel the stares of the older kids burning into my back.  We both had tears in our eyes and could barely speak when we got in the car.  I told Gamer that I was so grateful for all the adoptive parents who bring these kids home but I don't think I could do it.  Gamer said if we won the lottery we'd make it happen!   We'd have a houseful!!  I really wanted a girl and just couldn't change my plan, I was pretty stuck on my plan.  But this changed me and I was pretty heartbroken for these kids.  These older kids are always left behind.  They see all these cute little ones going home and it must break their heart every time to see them leave.  And they are left with a handful of suckers.

Fast forward a year!  We had just celebrated Potato bugs first Family Forever day.  Crazy how fast it went!  We found this most awesome group called Seattle Chinese Families.  We joined the Facebook group and finally we're going to meet some local families at a park.  We were so excited to meet other families that were local and also super excited to meet families with kids the same age!  The China program manager for our agency was there as well.  She is also a adoptive mama.  I decided to ask her about the boy at Potato bugs orphanage.  Mother's day had just come and I was thinking of him a lot.  I really just wanted to know that he was ok and was really hoping he was in a loving home.  I described him to her and she just looked at me, I can't even describe the look, but I'll try.  It was look of hope, excitement,  and I think I might pass out!  We all had goosebumps.  The minute I asked about him and saw her look I knew my plans were changing.  I still get all goose bumpy!  She had been advocating for him for 3 years!!  Our agency has a partnership with this orphanage so she has visited quite often.  In fact she took the 6 month photo of Potato bug in the previous blog post!  She is extra special to us as she advocated for both of them.  She was able to get the orphanage to make a file so Potato bug could be adopted.  She asked for this older boy as well.  They said no at the time.  She begged for 3 years!!!!  He was so special.  She said she would find him a family, he wanted and needed a family and she was going to make it happen!  She finally got his file, she rocks!!  As the hair was still standing up on my arm she looked at me and said, "I only have his file for five more days.'  That's it.  If we don't match him with a family in five days he goes out into the database that other agencies can then pull him from.  Once an agency has his file they get to keep it for 3 months.   We were just going for a playdate at the park!!!  Seriously, this is not what I had planned!  I believe her words were "no pressure but if you're interested he is available for adoption."

I kind of felt like we were leaving the orphanage all over again!  We had the stares of those children burning a hole into our back.  Again, we get in the van (our most awesome minivan!) and we were near tears.  This time, without any hesitation, we knew our plan changed again.  I decided that plans are stupid!!  Plans blind you, they keep you from seeing what's right in front of you.  Plans slow you down.  So no more plans!!  Woo hoo, we are going for boy number 4!!  And we shall call him Scholar.

Bringing home our Potato bug!

As, I'm sure you've noticed, we are using nicknames.  This blog is public, even though I know mostly family and friends are reading this, I want to protect our privacy.  This blog is to share our journey to adoption.  I also have to respect my children's privacy and think about what they would want exposed to the world as well.

Now back to our sweet Potato bug!  From our last post I shared our loss in the Ethiopia program.  I actually no longer look at it as a loss.  If we hadn't started there we would not be where we are today.  It was where we started our adoption journey and it's where I thought we were meant to be but it was just a detour that will always be special for me.  After years of waiting and talking with our Ethiopia case manager, we started asking questions.  Could we consider another country?  We actually had options.  However Ethiopia was the only country we had ever considered so we really didn't know where we were going to go next on this journey.  So we just laid low, stayed the course in Ethiopia and took a break from thinking.  I think I was still processing the loss.

But life goes on and you do your daily thing.  On one weekend in March (2012) Gamer and I went to Ikea to stock up on everything we didn't need.  It seriously is the store of I don't need that but it's $1.99 and I want 10!  We were cruising through the kid section with Boom Boom and then BAM, I knew where we were going next!!  Well I didn't know it then but the seed was planted.  I was looking at the toys and saw the soft baby dolls they had.  They had a Caucasian baby, an Asian baby, and an African American baby!  I grabbed all three and went running to Gamer with this big goofy smile and presented him with our family!  To seal the deal I showed them to Boom Boom who proceeded to grab all three and smother them in kisses!  However he preferred the Asian baby, it was his favorite. So we bought all 3 and went home with our new family.  I didn't say out loud that I was thinking of China and Gamer didn't acknowledge it either, we just let it lie there.   He humored me and bought Boom Boom some new babies.  But the seed was planted!

Boom Boom and his favorite baby.

Then another seed was planted!  Actually it was a blinking neon sign that we could not ignore!!  I started noticing that I was getting the Chinese newspaper every Friday.  It probably came for about a month when I finally really noticed it.  I think the first few I just tossed, not even looking at it.  One day, it was on my doorstep again and I looked at it.  It was the China Daily.  Why the heck am I getting the China Daily?????  I don't even get the Times or any other newspaper.  I asked my neighbors if they got it and no one else did,  just us.  Again, why????  It really was strange!  We started getting it a few weeks after we purchased the Ikea dolls.  So every Friday I checked and every Friday we got the paper.  I felt kind of cheesy saying it out loud but I told gamer that I think we should consider China.  He asked why?  It really wasn't on our list of countries we considered.  Well I told him, the signs, everywhere there are signs!!  The Ikea doll and the China Daily....come on, it's obvious!!!  

I love Gamer and his willingness and trust in this crazy ride!  He goes with the flow and says "yes dear" a lot!!!!  So I called our Ethiopian case manager and told her we wanted to adopt our second child first!  We had always talked about adopting two from Ethiopia but now felt our second child was going to come from China.  And it was a boy that was calling for us.  I could just feel it.  We were still going to wait for our baby girl from Ethiopia but felt she wasn't  ready for us. Her brother was the one that was calling us, LOUD AND CLEAR!

Ok, if you're still thinking this is cheesy, it gets better!!!  We joined the China program and within a month we found our son.  Our little Potato bug.  Seriously the minute I saw his file photo I new he was ours!

Potato bug 6 months old

Potato bug at about 18 months

 Boom Boom was so excited to announce he was going

to be a big brother!

Loving his stand in brother.

We found our Potato Bug in April 2012.  We had a trip planned to Norway and Italy in June and were going to be gone for 6 weeks!!  So we scrambled like crazy people and got our Homestudy done and approved before we left!  We managed to get the ball rolling before we left which was a huge relief.  Again, as I mentioned before I'm not organized.  If any of you have ever read an adoption blog you will be impressed at the detail.  Mine will not do that.  Sorry!  I suck at acronyms,  I'm horrible at remembering dates, and all my adoption paperwork is in a plastic tote.  That's it.  There will be no cool dates that list my adoption step by step, date by date, and acronyms that you probably wouldn't understand either.  Your welcome!  So any whoozle, back to my Potato bug.  We got back from our trip and had to compile our Dossier.  A Dossier is your life in a file.  It's your medical, financial. and a every little detail about you and your family.  We got that completed and sent to China.  Unlike Ethiopia, China was cruising along!!  We got in the system, we got approved, we were actually moving closer and closer to bringing home our son!  We got more updates and cute photos!

A birthday celebration!  Hoping it was his.

In the first week of May we got our travel notice.  Once you get this, it's happy crazy town!!!  You travel around two weeks after this notice.  Even though it was a bit overwhelming and I had a lot of ducks to get in a row I always looked forward to my friday China Daily.  It stopped coming.  After receiving this paper for almost a year, it was my comfort, I looked forward to it.  It was my connection to Potato bug and I was a really sad that it didn't come anymore.  I thought it was a fluke the first week. Maybe my mystery paper delivery person was sick and missed a paper for the first time in a year!  But it never came again, that was it.  And then it hit me.  Potato bug planned this whole thing!!!  He somehow knew we needed HIM as much as he needed us.  He planted that seed at Ikea,  he sent that Chinese paper, and once he knew the plane tickets were bought he knew we were coming.  The end.  No more paper needed!

China bear (he has since named it that) and his little back pack waiting for him.

On May 20th, 2013 at 2:21pm the phone rang that our son was on his way up to our hotel room.

 Potato bug with is mama and baba.

Potato bug's nannies that cared for him for the first 2.8 yrs of his life.

Gamer officially adopting Potato bug as his son.

Madre officially adopting Potato bug as her son.

Potato bug accepting us as his mama and baba.

Adoption is hard.  When you're in the process, the time from finding an agency to bringing home your baby seems like 500 years!!!  Especially if this is your first time.  It's overwhelming, it's scary at times, it's like waiting for Christmas morning every single day until you have your baby in your arms.  It's a leap of faith, it's hope, it's a growing family.  Adoption is awesome!  

So glad we listened!