Ready or not......

I'm ready but not ready at all!!  Where are the days going????  It seems that the last two weeks just blew by at warp speed, it should still be July!  Most people in the adoption world are counting down the days and can't wait, the wait is unbearable and taking forever.  Well, I have those feelings but I'M NOT READY!!!!!!  Why am I not ready? Haven't I had over a year to plan and prepare?  Why yes I did, I've had plenty of time.  But time is not what it was like as a kid waiting for Christmas morning. As a kid time took forever, It was almost like one day passing felt like 10.  As a adult I feel like I lose 10 days for every day passing.....I NEED MORE TIME!!!  Partly, having my kids home for summer vacation is not making things easy by any means.  Boom Boom needs structure and routine.  The last few weeks have been hell.  I was trying to accomplish too many things and left him to his own devices to entertain himself.  I paid heavily for the few stolen moments to make phone calls, clean house, fundraise, and shower.  Nothing worse that being in the shower and not knowing what I'm going to find.  Well Boom Boom learned last week how fun it is to pitch things over our upstairs balcony onto the living room below.  Clearing tables with a one arm sweep is also fun.  But his favorite is grabbing all his favorite foods out of the pantry and sending them flying throughout the kitchen.  Minutes, all he needs is a minute or two.  He's quite skilled and adept in his wreaking havoc.  So I took last week off.  I didn't clean, no laundry, hardly cooked, no blogging, no fundraising, and no phone chatting.  Instead we played legos galore, painted pictures, colored, went on walks, rode bikes, went to the park, and went out for ice cream.  It was awesome!!!!  I feel refreshed and my kids were happy.  But I lost a week.  I really can't afford to lose a week and am a bit panicked about it!

So what is this week going to bring?  Well Boom Boom has some therapy appointments and am hoping that will count in his book as an outing!  Potato Bug is easily pacified, I just need to provide access to paint, play dough, play sand, and me.  If he can be in my space, breathing my air he's good, he's happiest glued to my side.  With my two side kicks I'm going to shoot for multi tasking.  Hoping to pick up some items for our online auction and kick that off next week.  We also ordered bunk beds for Scholar and Potato Bug, hoping those show up this week.  Today I got the room painted, woo hoo!!!  That's a big one checked off my list!  PB wanted a orange and green room.  Um, had to talk him out of a pumpkin room so we settle on orange and gray.  He wants motorcycle pictures on the wall so I swayed him to Harley Davidson colors!  

Here's the little man helping out!!

I really wanted to have Boom Boom and Hoot's rooms painted as well but that may just have to wait. Hoot will be in our room when we get home so I've got some time there!!  And Boom Boom is just happy to have his stuffed Tigey, the room decor is secondary for him.  Phew, no pressure there!!  

If all goes as planned we could have approval to travel by the end of August or early September!!  That's 3-4 weeks.  I could be in China meeting my children for the first time in the next month!  But before I can get there I need to be ready.  Between now and then I have two weddings, my eldest and his family visiting, and packing to do.  Also waiting on my passport to show up, only slightly panicking.  PB's came quick but I'm still waiting on mine!! Small detail.  Also, Gamer and I were talking and made a rather scary and difficult decision.  He's not going to come to China this time.  I can't imagine him not coming but it makes sense in all honesty.  His mom is coming to care for Boom Boom while we were going to be gone but now can't come for the length of time we would need her.  My parents offered to help as well but he's a high need little dude and we worry that it's just too much.  Also, Gamer has no vacation.  It was a tough medical year with Boom Boom and he burned most of it.  We knew we were going to be short but not this short.  We just can't afford 3 weeks of no paycheck with our last pennies going towards travel expenses.  So I will be traveling solo with Potato Bug, Scholar, and Hoot.  2 out of 3 have limited mobility.  Anyone want to come to China with me????  It won't be a vacation but it's guaranteed to change your life and give you a once in a lifetime experience.  Of course you'd be gone for 2.5 weeks and it would cost you a chunk of change.  MOM, if you're reading this I'm hoping you'll volunteer!!!  If not, I got this.  I know I can do it.  I've been baby/kid taming since I was 12.  I'm not a newbie, I will survive and so will my kids.  We may spend a lot of time in our hotel, dinner may be what I can stuff in my bag from the breakfast buffet, and we may be in our own version of "The Amazing Race" as we navigate our way to trains and planes.  But I can wear one kid, one kid can walk fine, and one kid can walk at a slow pace.  We're good!!  Boys can also carry their own back packs and pull their carry ons.  And I'm sure with the spectacle that will be us people will take mercy and help us along!

So ready or not......HERE I COME!

Collecting the good, bad, and the Hootness!

I know exactly where the first Hoot purchase was.  It was a gray owl that I purchased in Norway while visiting family 3 years ago.  I've always loved owls, long before they were trendy!  Owls are wise, quirky, funny, and always cute!  I have yet to meet an owl that I couldn't find some cuteness in.  They also make me happy.  Seriously, you can't look at an owl and be mad or sad.  Don't tell my kids but I guarantee even if they did the naughtiest thing ever I would get over it in two seconds if they gave me an owl to hug!  Shhh, we won't tell them that little secret!

Collecting, we all do it to some degree.  Sometimes we collect because it's the trendy thing to do, remember those Beanie Babies that was going to send your kid to college?  Sometimes we collect things because we can't let go.  Maybe it's a tangible object that connects us to someone we love, a cherished memory.  And then there is the junk.  I wouldn't exactly call it collecting because the junk very rarely brings joy.  My sweet Gamer is a collector of junk (love you honey) but he is.  He has two categories of things he collects, I can understand one over the other.  The first one drives me INSANE!!!!!!!!!!  We have boxes and boxes of cables and techie stuff.  To me, because of the sheer volume it counts as a collection.  It's not a collection that brings joy, to me it brings anxiety.  We have so many boxes of old PC games, manuals, cords, gaming console doo-hickies, VHS tapes, models, and books.  The second things he collects are things that invoke memories of his youth.  Now that I can work with! Can't say I've embraced it all but I understand it.  Not long after we met, his Gramms passed away.  It was sudden and devastated him.  He was very close to his grandparents and they were very solid in his upbringing so the loss was heart wrenching for him.   Not long after she was gone his dad called and said that they had a lot of Grammy's possessions.  The family in Colorado had gone through a lot of it but there were a lot of things left.  Gamer said he wanted ALL OF IT!!!!  Now I never met Gramms but from the stories I've heard I'm sure I would've loved her.  However, I can't say I loved all her stuff though.  She was a grandma and had a lot of grandma things!  Soooooooo, that was a tough one when Gamer in all his enthusiasm exclaimed that a truck load of Grammy's things would be arriving at our home!!  The one thing I couldn't relent on was the dining table set, it was rocking the 70"s.  It was well cared for but the wicker backing just wasn't going to work!  So he sat at it, remembered how he sat there and ate peaches and cottage cheese with grammy and was able to let it go.  Phew!!  However we kept a lot of things too.  At first I wasn't fond of them because they didn't match my style but more and more as I heard about Gramms I got attached to them too!!!  There was a framed picture of hers that Gamer wanted to hang.  I wasn't a fan of it.  It was a lot of gold and bold colors.  But we hung it.  When we moved last year into our new house I thought it was time to let it go.  I think he pretty much agreed, I think I could've persuaded him because it really wasn't our style.  But NOOOOOO, now I'm the one attached to it and we will have to hang it!  There you go Gramms, I've been hooked!!  We talked about reframing it because it has a water stain on it but I think it needs to stay just the way it is!  There is also another special item in Gramms collection that I had to keep.  It's a Hoot!  Not the cutest Hoot but a wise Hoot and it was Grammys.  I like to think it's her getting to peek into our lives as she sits perched on our mantle.  She has a pretty sweet spot in the house, it's the heart of where we spend our time as a family.

So you're probably still wondering what is up with this Hoot obsession.  First off, let me share my collection for Hoot.  It's loot for my little Hoot!

And there is more!!!  I have a box from the move I haven't found yet.  Darn those boxes of cables that are obscuring my box of Hooty things!

 Imagine my excitement when I found this book in a little shop in Leavenworth, WA

I can't wait to pinch her little hootie patootie!

Back to my Hoot and why I started collecting owls for her.  I started collecting even before I knew who she was or that I would even have a daughter.  When I was in Norway I was shopping with my mom and aunt.  We went into this store and EVERYTHING in there was either white, gray, black, or a combination of those colors.  That was it, no other colors at all.  Right away this white and gray owl caught my attention (it's in the above picture, the one to the left).  I picked it up, felt all the different textures on it and started thinking of my Hoot.  I didn't know who she was or if she would ever be but this made me feel so close to her.  So I bought my first owl.  Now I'm not some crazy owl lady, I don't go out of my way looking and scouring for owls!!  In fact, I don't buy every owl I see, that WOULD make me a crazy lady! However, when I see one, and I feel her, I get it!  Now I wonder what you'll think of all this My Little Hoot!!  This does not give you license to call your mom the crazy owl lady!

Today in the mail Hoot received her first Hoot gift from a friend.  Makes me so happy that people are now seeing owls and thinking of our little Hoot!

She's a HOOT!

There is an elephant in the room and his name is Charley!

There has been this elephant following us for months.  He's in our house, our car, in our minds and literally is sitting on us 24 hours a day.  I've tried laying a trail of peanuts to get him to leave.  Our zoo in Seattle no longer has elephants, thought that might be a nice place to drop him off.  We went on Tuesday and he followed us home.  He's still here and I decided to let him stay, his name is Charley.

Sometimes Charley makes me uncomfortable, he has made me jump out of my comfort zone.  Charley is the elephant in the room some people are questioning.  So I need to introduce you all to him so it's not awkward, he's really a cool and well loved little fellow!  In fact this elephant has been by my side for over 35 yrs.

I've had a few inquiries as to why we're fundraising.  It's a fair question.  It's also something I see pop up on adoption sites quite a bit.  There are a lot of differing opinions on it, even from people within the adoption community.   I think some of our friends and family are surprised that we are asking for help, especially at the finish line.  It wasn't an easy decision and wasn't something we considered before.   Questions fundraising families typically get:

-Why are you adopting if you can't afford to bring them home?
-If you can't afford to adopt them how can you provide for them once home?
-This was your choice, you shouldn't be asking people for money.
-You can afford a nice house and things but you're asking for money???

I normally don't like to talk money but adoption expenses are high.  A single adoption can be over 30K, imagine two!!  It's not quite double but it's still high.  Now I just don't have that laying around.  We do have a nice house but we have no car payments.  We are both driving over 10 yr old cars and they get us around!  We are fortunate.  We were able to save and pay for Potato bugs adoption.  We immediately started saving again after his adoption because we knew we were going to adopt one more.....just one.  A girl this time.  But then we met Scholar.  Scholar is so deserving of a family.  All these kids are.  He will be 13 on November 2.  When a child in China turns 14 they can no longer be adopted, that's it for them.  If they are lucky they will be allowed to stay in the orphanage.  If not they are released into the world with no money, education, or family.  Could you imagine how your 16-18 yr old child would survive that?  Unfathomable.   He needed us and we needed him, he truly was meant to be our son.  We were fully funded for one more adoption at this point so all was good.  We really didn't think a daughter was in the cards and had made peace with it.  We had a narrow crack of a chance to get matched with a daughter in time to be able to travel only once.  When it happened we were so excited and then freaked because we didn't have much time to come up with the funds.  I got a job, it was short lived and it became more than just earning money. (http://ourscatteredbutterflies.blogspot.com/2015_06_01_archive.html

It is our choice to bring them home.  We can afford to provide for them.  We can give them love, a home, a family, and a chance to live a life that they choose to pursue with the support of a family.   What frustrates me is is that there is not more help to bring these kids home.  There are grants but because we were too late in applying for them we didn't qualify.  Other than fundraising and grants there is no help.  Fundraising sucks!!!  Nobody likes asking for help but these kids are worth it and I will swallow my pride to do anything for them.  I would crawl over broken glass, allow 10 million spiders to crawl all over me, and welcome the elephant into my home or whatever else it took to bring these kids home.  My pride is at the bottom and if I've offended people I can live with it because my kids come before my pride.  It's not a fair world we live in.  My kids have experienced that first hand.  They were born into circumstances that they had no control over.  When people decide to grow a family they do a "little ba-da-boom-ba-da-bing" and they have a baby.  Most have insurance to cover the cost of birth.  People who choose to adopt don't have that help.  Could you imagine having to pay 30K for a birth?  I wish there was more help for orphans, there would be less of them if there was.  There should be.  There are a lot of people who could be wonderful parents to these kids but are stopped by the cost of bringing them home.  There are so many kids who need families and I will advocate for every single one of them.  Over the years I've boughten quite a few auction items, t-shirts, and just given money to help bring kids home.  It's where my heart is.

With that said I am so appreciative of all the donations we have received!!  Everyone (even the ones asking why?) have been incredibly supportive!  We all have causes that are near and dear to us. We can't support every cause that comes our way.  We all get touched by an experience that leads us to advocate and support.   For some it's cancer, for some it's special needs, for some it's adoption, for some it's providing scholarships, for some it's helping a family that has suffered a devastation.  Whatever your cause is is you are making a difference to someone and that's what matters.  Nobody can support every cause, I know I can't.  I see requests for fundraising all the time, I can't support them all.  I wish I could but I can't.  We feel the love from all our friends and family.  I want you all to love our elephant Charley and to not feel awkward with him in the room.  There is enough room for us all.  Much love to you all!

Helping a special needs mommy fundraiser (it's not me!!)

One night last week I was up late.  I started chatting online with another mother that has a child with Down Syndrome.  I had made a Facebook post about how well this summer has been going with Boom Boom!  He is 8 years old and this has been our best summer yet!  Well this momma is not feeling the same.  She's having a hard time and summer can be the hardest months!    I've had many hard times and have been tested to my outer limits at times.  Summers were always a fun thing to look forward too!  It's playing at the beach, loading the car for an adventure, popsicles, exploring new parks and trails, staying up late and playing in the neighborhood with all the kids, chasing after the ice cream truck, and going to all the summer festivals!

Well Boom Boom doesn't always like those things so carefree summers are now different.  It takes planning.  I have to pack his food (as he has oral aversions and eats a limited diet), his feeding tube supplies for hydration, diapers, changes of clothes, and comfort items.   Parks can be a nightmare and dangerous for us.  He has no sense of danger, doesn't look for me, and sometimes he doesn't act appropriately with other kids (he will pull hair or push sometimes!)  So as you can imagine I have to be two steps behind him at all times while keeping an eye on Potato Bug, it's exhausting!!  Since we've moved we have turned our yard into a playground so that the boys can have a safe and secure place to play.  We have ventured a bit, we went to a splash park last week and Boom Boom did amazing!!!  I was so proud of him.  I was actually able to sit and watch both my kids play which is rare!

Boom Boom having a blast watching the water!

All these kids and I didn't lose either of mine!  They both had so much fun!

Well this mom that I was talking with has a beautiful 5 yr old daughter with DS.  She also has two younger daughters, a 3 yr old and baby.  So you can imagine her hands are full!  Going to the park is impossible as her daughter is a runner and it's just not safe with two other little ones to watch.  Also imagine how hard medical appointments are?  I've struggled with these challenges.  If I have to take Boom Boom with me to one of my appointments or his brothers I can barely focus on what the doctor has to say because I'm overwhelmed with managing Boom Boom.  

Now that Boom Boom is older and in school full time I make all my medical appointments during the school year for all of us which has helped out immensely.  However sickness does not understand the school calendar!!  In those situations I rely on my parents or a sitter if I can get one.  It's hard.  It's not a complaint but a logistical challenge all special needs moms and dads face.  Who will care for our kids when we need a break, have medical/dental appointments, we're sick, or even just want a date night.  We have a few sitters we use and are grateful for them.  But some of us have kids with challenges and it isn't always easy to leave them.  And to be honest no one ever offers to watch them.  I get offers for PB but never for BB, and I totally understand, I'm not judging.  He is a complex little dude!  He is nonverbal, has a feeding tube, feeding challenges, and behavioral challenges at times.  Everyone else has their own kids and adding BB to the mix could seem overwhelming to manage.  So where does that leave us?  On our own.  It's a problem a lot of us face and it's overwhelming.  Days of being spontaneous are long gone!

After talking to this mom and hearing how helpless she feels at this stage I want to help her.  She doesn't have support to help with her kids, it's all on her. Her husband works long hours and she's on her own from morning until he's home at 7:30 at night.  I have long thought that their needs to be a network of moms (and dads) helping each other out, especially those that are experiencing similar challenges.

Here is how you can help make that happen. For every $10 donated towards our adoption I will donate an hour of my time to help another mommy out.  Your donation will go towards bringing Scholar and Hoot home as well as allowing another mother the peace of mind to go to the doctor, dentist, or even get her hair done without having to worry about childcare.  I  will be reaching out to our local Snohomish Down Syndrome Community to let them know when I have hours to offer.  And my hope is that this leads to more parents helping each other out.  This has been something I have wanted to get off the ground for a long time.  I would love for all us mothers/fathers to band together and help each other out.  I have 11 years experience as a daycare/preschool provider, I'm proficient with feeding tubes, communication challenges, and autism.  I'm really hoping I can help this mommy soon!!  And to be honest.....I'll help her regardless.

If you wish to support this fundraiser click:

Here

Please specify in the comments which fundraiser you're supporting!  Thank you all for the continued support you all rock!

Gift card giveaway!

I'm so excited to share our 2nd fundraiser!!  It's a gift card giveaway!!!  We got you covered for your Starbucks habit, date night, crafting, music, shopping, and much much more!!  Need a last minute gift? Got that covered too!  For the last year Gamer and I have been saving our gift cards and they have added up to a nice collection!  And if that wasn't enough some awesome friends donated some cards too!  Love our friends and the continued support they offer!  Couldn't have done this without you peeps!

This is what you could win!!!!  Could you imagine the fun you could have?

Here is what you get:

$50 Southwest Airlines giftcard (Take that luggage fee!)

$75   iTunes (bring on the tunes and apps!)

$30 Jo-Ann card (feeling crafty?)

$50 Nordstrom (oh yeah baby!)

4 movie tickets and a $10 AMC card. (Date night times 2!)

$25 Subway (because you're hungry after all that shopping!)

$25 Amazon (shop from home!)

$25 Target (Love me some Target!)

$75 Starbucks (we got your habit covered!)

This adds up to $417 in gift card fun!  I valued the movie tickets for $13 a piece (Avg price of a movie these days!)  

All these cards are national, except for Jo-Ann fabrics.  But don't let that stop you, you have the internet and can get your crafty needs met from your couch!!  

Here's how it works:

1) For every $10 donated your name is entered into the giveaway.

2) Share this fundraiser on your Facebook page and receive another entry into the giveaway!

    (please private message me when you share so I don't miss it!)
*Must donate $10 for an entry and share for an extra entry.

3) Ways to pay:   http://www.youcaring.com/noah-and-heidi-fidanque-383496

      This will take you to our fundraising page!

4) This fundraiser will close at 6pm on July 31st. and the winner will be announced at 8pm pacific time!

Another step closer to a Hoot and a (sc)Holar!

I don't speak Chinese!!

On Monday my mom and I took the boys to Uwajimaya.  It's a Japanese/Asian storet in the International district of downtown Seattle.  I haven't been there in over 20 years!!!  We live way out in the sticks so it's not exactly close and we have plenty of asian markets near us that meet our needs.  But a friend mentioned that they have a decent selection of books in Mandarin and that we could even order some if need be.  Woo hoo, off we went!!

As I've mentioned before, Scholar is a voracious reader!  We are going to send him a care package and his one request was that we would have Chinese books for him to read.  He likes science, technology, and animals.  I have no idea what to do with that information, that was a bit to broad.  The young sales lady helping me asked how old he was because she thought it was a strange request.  She was 12 when her family moved to Seattle from China and she said she loved series books and such.  Maybe he likes science fiction???  This part of adoption is hard.  You have a child that you don't know at all!!  You want to nest, get all the things in place, and provide items that will give them comfort and make them feel safe.  With a toddler this is pretty easy, with a 12 yr old it's proving to be a challenge!  Hoot is hooked up!!!  We will be filling in spaces for Scholar.

After perusing the book aisles we settled on a book of Seattle tourism.  He mentioned he wanted to see pictures and learn about Seattle so I thought this was a good start!  It listed a lot of historical places, parks, museums, and places of interest which I think will be fun for him.  This gives him a chance to learn what we have in the city and he can choose places he'd like to visit.  On a side note, books in Chinese are expensive!!!  Holy moly, hope he learns to read english soon!  He reads every single day so it may be a challenge to keep up with his reading appetite.  I could think of worse things to worry about so we'll make it work.  Others mentioned to stock up on books while were in China and ship them home.  We may just do that as I think it will be cheaper in the long run!

Seattle!!! 

Once we got our book in hand we spent another hour (at least) exploring the store!  Potato bug has his favorites so we had to get juicy pork balls (small pork dumpling...he's dubbed them juicy!),  coconut rice cakes and snow cakes.  I also bought us stuff to make a yummy beef stir fry for dinner!  Now if you haven't been in an asian market you are missing out!!!  Know all those cool asian recipes you see asking for obscure ingredient's?  They have it here and at usually better prices than your favorite grocery store!  I can't wait to take Scholar here and see what he picks out!  I'm a bit scared because 1) It could be a organ meat.  2) It could be a dried stinky fishy thing.  3) It will probably be in Chinese so I won't know how to cook it or what's in it!!  This could be interesting!  I am so grateful that we have this community for him though.  The fact that we can go shopping and he can be surrounded by familiar foods and smells will be such a great thing for him!

I'm curious what he'll think of western food.  I belong to a Facebook group for people adopting Chinese teens/tweens and many have said their children want Chinese food for every meal!!  I see a lot of stir fry, fried rice, and noodles in our future!  But no tofu, he said he hates tofu!  Gamer is vegetarian and eats tofu so I guess that will be a meal they won't bond over!  There is not a lot of dairy in the Chinese culture so cheese is usually a tough one for some older kids coming home.  I'm sure I will be posting a lot of awesome pictures of what craziness we're eating and his cute face trying new flavors and foods! 

As you can tell there is a lot of learning to be had on both parts!!  Scholar will have the biggest mountain to tackle that's for sure!  He's going to have to learn a new culture, language, food, and what it means to be in a family.  We will have to guide him through this with patience, setting good examples, and also respecting and embracing his culture.  With PB we have enjoyed learning about Chinese traditions and cultures.  He doesn't remember China so for all he knows we're nailing it, spot on!  Um, I think Scholar is going to call us out.  In fact, I will be curious to see what is important to him and what he could care less about.  I was talking to a friend who is Chinese and telling him about how we were going to celebrate Chinese New Years, he laughed and said I was way more Chinese than him!  I hope traditions are important to Scholar, I'm a tradition freak!!  I love traditions that I grew up with and ones that I have started on my own with my family.  My parent's are Norwegian so we have a lot of Norwegian traditions that we enjoy as well.  We have our holidays, the food, the language, and Norwegian knick knackeries in the house.  My husband grew up in Panama so we have some smatterings of that as well.  He didn't come from a very traditional family so I've been working on bringing more Panama into the house.  Just you all wait until you see our United Benetton Christmas card....we are going to rock the world!  Well at least the Asian, Panamanian, and Norwegian parts of it!

Besides the obvious English, we speak Spanish and Norwegian.  Interesting combo!  We speak absolutely no Mandarin!!!  Nada!!  I can say "hello" and "thank you", that's it!  I'm a very very bad Madre!!  Bad bad bad!  I had the best of intentions to learn.  Look what I bought last year:

I haven't opened either of them!!  The flash cards were for PB to learn a few words and the other program was for Gamer and I to learn a bit.  3 levels, there are 3 levels and I have 2-3 months to learn!!!  I really wanted to show Scholar that we were making an effort so that all the burden of communication wasn't on him.  I know what it's like being in a sea of people who don't speak the same language as you, it's super tiring and frustrating.  Tonight PB and I are going to open the flash cards!  It's a start and hopefully I can dazzle Scholar with my preschool knowledge.  I know Hoot will think I'm a rockstar, I may be able to dazzle the one year old with my grasp of the Chinese language!

So there is my guilt laid out for you all to see.  It's been a year of dossiers, adoption paperwork, feeding therapy, communication input for Boom Boom,  unpacking into our new house, keeping food on the table and clothes on our bodies (except for hot days when we only have to wear underwear!) that has bled me dry.  And now I'm feeling the stress of getting rooms ready, clothes and things for the kids, and obsessing about what to bring on our trip that is filling my brain.  And I'm stressed that I can only say "hi" and "thank you" in Chinese.  How is Scholar feeling?  Wonder what he's thinking?  Wonder what these last few months mean to him?  Is he counting down the days until we come?  Or is he sad that the days are going so fast and scared to leave all he knows?  I imagine our stresses are very very different.  He's leaving his life and coming home.  We don't speak Chinese and he doesn't speak English.

This piece is for you Mr. Glen

And here is something else a lot of you don't know.  A few months ago I decided to get a job to help towards our adoption costs.  Working has been a challenge for me, I've tried over the years and it doesn't usually pan out.  This biggest challenge is trying to find work that will allow me to work around my kids schedules.  Boom Boom is in multiple therapies, has a compromised immune system (gets sick a lot!), and Potato Bug is only in Preschool a few days a week.  My husband works long crazy hours, and being the main bread winner, he can't really help much with childcare.  I wanted to avoid the cost of childcare because then it defeated the purpose of me working!

After a lot of thought I went back to my roots!!  I've always loved working with kids!  I started babysitting at 11 and never really stopped!  I ran a successful daycare and preschool for eleven years which blessed me with some amazing kiddos to watch grow from babies to now college graduates!  I joined Care.com and thought maybe I'd nanny or watch one child as that would fit in with our crew and I could still be mobile.  Nothing really seemed to fit my schedule so I decided to look at companion care for the elderly.  Yeah, not really my wheelhouse!!!  To me, older peeps, are pretty adorable though.    They're vulnerable, can be cranky, love attention, love to talk and reminisce, and enjoy a good cookie or sweet.  Really not that different from the little kids I've cared for!

This is when I found Mr. Glen, my sweet sweet Mr. Glen!  He was in the late state stages of Alzheimer's. His daughter, posted an add on Care.com, looking for someone to keep him company 3 days a week.  Her and I talked and she really just wanted to have someone sit with him from 9-3.  It really was the perfect job!  I could take PB with me and I was off in time to go get Boom Boom off the bus.  His daughter said he liked to watch TV, have someone to talk too, and eating.  He loved to eat!  I have absolutely no experience with Alzheimer's!  The first day I met him I said "Hi Mr. Glen, my name is Madre (LOL!) and I will be keeping you company a few days a week."  His response, "well, aren't you a lucky lady!"

The first day was a snoozer!!!!  This was not going to fly!  We sat side by side for 6 hours watching TV and talking here and there.  There was no way I was going to last or was it good for him.  He was in overall good health but just spent his days sitting.  So on day 2 we mixed it up and never looked back!  That was the last day on that couch.  Mr. Glen has absolutely no short term memory whatsoever though.  I spent those first few weeks getting to know him and we played tons of games.  I was able to get an idea of what his interest and strengths were.  He liked playing bingo, playing cards (he would match),  cooking and going for car rides.  His daughter was very supportive and gave me free reign in his daily care.  I was able to take him on field trips with Potato bugs school, car rides, doctor appointments with the kids,  Potato Bugs Little Gym class, to the park, and to my house.

We also had some challenges.  Again, I have zero experience with this disease.  It's not a nice disease at all but there are parts of it I can like.....just a little.  Mr. Glen lived in the moment.  He enjoyed every moment.  Sometimes we forget to just enjoy the moment.  He couldn't remember my name so he called me his lady.  When I came in the morning he would recognize me, greet me with a hug and ask if that was my "rig' out front.  He would go on about how sweet my rig was and he sure would like a ride.  So of course, we would go for a ride!  He would always look out his window and give a "all clear!"  Of course he never looked the other direction so if I would taken his word for it we would've been creamed countless times!  Love this guy!  He really was a like a kid, he took so much pleasure in the simple things and appreciated everything.  We would talk and he would share stories of his past.  I thought he was making it all up but after verifying with his daughter I found out he did grow up on a farm, rode horses, was a pilot, and was a police officer!  This is what I like about his Alzheimer's.  He enjoyed life in the moment, everyday was a wonder, everything he enjoyed was like the first time.  He had a wicked funny sense of humor and had me rolling.  He could throw out the zingers like nobody!  But then there are parts, obviously, about Alzheimer's that are cruel.  He lost his dignity.  He knew he couldn't remember things so he compensated for that.  He can't remember that he had a wife, children,  or a home.  He always thought he was alone if he wasn't with someone.  Whoever he was with, whether it was me, his daughter, or grandkids- they were his anchor to reality.  His worst fear is being alone.  If I would walk out of the room he'd be on my heel because if he can't see me he doesn't know where he is.  Our other challenge is that he's hungry all the time because he can't remember that he already ate.  If I remind him, he compensates (he knows he doesn't know!) with an excuse.  I only did that twice.  I never reminded him again.  I just told him like it was the first time.  He saw Potato Bug almost every time I had him yet he could never remember who he was.  We'd take him to his Gym class, go in together, and then as soon as PB was in his class he'd forget why we were there.  If PB came up to me he'd ask if I knew that kid and why does he keep talking to us.  I had to explain a LOT to PB!!!!  Mr. Glen was like a small child and sometimes they fought.  Mr. Glen would take his food off his plate, take toys out of his hand, and then in the next moment boss him like he was the parent.  It was super confusing for PB at first but after explaining to him about his disease it was so amazing to see PB's caring heart take over!  Just like he looks out for Boom Boom he did the same for Mr. Glen.  He tolerated the bossiness, didn't shriek if he ate his food, and wanted to do things that made him happy.  I'm so glad that PB got to experience this!  The world is made of up of people of all ages with many different abilities and challenges.  As human beings we should always treat people with respect no matter what!  We should always help and include those around us.

The absolute hardest part of my day was saying goodbye to Mr. Glen!  I dreaded driving him home, it was so heartbreaking!   I would always announce "we're home" and he would say "I don't live here!"  We'd go in and he wouldn't recognize his family and would want to leave with me again.  Of course the minute I walked out the door he forgot that he spent the day with me.  He remembered absolutely nothing about what we did each day. Poof, it's gone, just like that!  He literally lived in the moment because when it was over he wouldn't remember it again.  Normally I watched him Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.  On Memorial day weekend I had Monday off.  On Tuesday, the day after the holiday, I went to his house as usual.  His daughter and I wen't over his weekend and how he was.  She said he had a pretty rough weekend.  He really wasn't eating as much, and was freezing (forgot to mention, he's always cold!!!) and was becoming more incontinent.  She was going to take him to the doctor the following week to discuss the progression of his Alzheimer.s.  He's been in the final stage for awhile and usually after diagnosis most people live for 6-7 yrs.  He was at 7 yrs living with this.  She said he was stumbling a bit so to hold his arm.  We had planned on going to the pet store but decided to stay in as he pretty much fell asleep anyway.  Normally he wants to go for a ride but I could tell he was tired!  After a few hours I woke him, got him to eat a bit, and he was ready for a car ride.  As soon as we got in the car he fell back asleep.  I decided to take him to my house and he could barely get up the stairs.  For the first time in 3 months that I had cared for him he didn't follow me around the house!!  He never lets me leave his sight.  He was also freezing to the point of chattering teeth.  At this point I was worried, this was not his normal.  I took his temperature and it was 105!!  I freaked and felt absolutely horrible!  I had felt him at his house and he didn't feel hot to me.  He's always cold too so that didn't really give me a clue.  After taking off his layers and giving him Ibuprofen his temp dropped to 103. I got a hold of his daughter and she took him to the ER.  He had a bladder infection and pneumonia.  His prognosis was not good.  I went and visited him in the hospital a few days later and their was a glimmer of my sweet Mr. Glen.  He was so happy to see me and wanted to talk.  We talked off an on for a few hours and watched TV, it totally reminded me of our first day together!  And it was to be our last day.

Today Mr. Glen passed away.  I will really miss him and am so glad that I had the honor to care for him for his last 3 months.  I'm honored that I was able to bring him some happiness and that we got to know each other.  I will never forget you Mr. Glen!  Mr. Glen is part of our adoption journey as well.  The funds I earned caring for him helped pay a portion of our agency fees.  I think he'd like that!  He loved kids and we talked about our adoption frequently, it was a new an wondrous story to him each time I told him.  So Mr. Glen,  I have a special puzzle piece just for you!  Your name will go on a puzzle piece for each of our kids and I can't wait to tell them about how special you were!

Being crafty!

He loved blowing bubbles!

Mr. Glen's first selfie.  He had never heard that word before.

Playing sand with Potato Bug

Always ready to give Boom Boom a helping hand.

Fun at the beach!  So glad he got some sunny days, they were his favorite!

Woo hoo, 2nd selfie ever!

Baking cookies!

"OFF we go into the wild blue yonder,

Here they come zooming to meet our thunder

     Climbing high into the sun"      Mr. Glen sang this Airforce song every time we got in the car.

Pieces to our puzzle!

The pieces are coming together to bring our kids home!  We are going to fundraise this time around.  We fully funded Potato Bugs adoption and are almost there with these two as well!  Adopting two at one time though has proved to be a financial challenge and we're hoping we can provide some meaningful opportunities for our friends and family to help us along!

Here's what we got in the works!!  Our first fundraiser is a puzzle.  We will have a puzzle for each child and are hoping you will feel led to sponsor them by buying a piece to help bring them home!  This will also be a wonderful keepsake for our kids!  For every puzzle piece you buy we will write your name on the back of the puzzle.  As we sell pieces we will assemble the puzzle.  Once it's complete we will frame it between two pieces of clear glass so the kids can see who was a piece in the puzzle bringing them home!  I chose a moment in our adoption that has a lot of meaning to us.  This moment hasn't happened for our kiddos yet so Potato Bug's picture will be a stand it until their  moment is documented and made into a puzzle upon their return. Also it will be extra special for Scholar to assemble his own puzzle when he gets home.  

So here is how it works:

1.  Comment or message me that you would like to buy a piece.

2.  Cost is $20 a piece.  However that will put your name on all 3 puzzles.  We didn't do this for PB and think it would be a great memento for him as well.  He will know that he has a great group of family and friends embracing him as well.

3.  You can either mail us a check (we will PM the address to you) or you can make a payment on Paypal.  My username/email is heidifidanque@gmail.com  

4.  Click on the Paypal link below to go directly to their site.  From there you can send in a donation if you wish to sponsor a piece.

Paypal.com

Our goal is to sell all 312 pieces!  This would be huge for us!  Up until now we have paid all of our agency fees, Dossier fees, USCIS fees, and medical review fees (this one was big this time around.)  The funds for the puzzle will be used to pay the required orphanage donation fee which is $5700 per child.  Last month I wrote a letter to Scholars orphanage requesting a waiver or fee reduction.  We were so graciously granted a reduction and his fee has been reduced to $800!!  This doesn't happen often so we are very grateful!  

We can't wait to see this puzzle come together!!!  I will post pictures of the puzzle as it's being completed!  Now to just find a good puzzle making spot that won't fall victim to Boom Boom!!!

We're coming Scholar and Hoot!!

Update:

June 28, 2015

It's a start!!  We got 17 pieces sponsored!  Super appreciative and grateful for the support!  My biggest fear with this fundraiser is losing a piece!  I have a very touchy 4 year old helping!

The last trimester!

I see the similarities between pregnancy and adoption all the time!  We're in the final stretch!  We're buying clothes, having to get bedrooms ready, planning for daddy's time off work,  preparing the kids for new siblings, and overcome with anticipation of our growing family!

I'm definitely feeling the butterflies!  This last year seemed to take so long and now we're almost to the finish line and I'm panicking a bit.  How will Boom Boom and Potato Bug adapt to two more kids?  Boom Boom is nonverbal and has autism and Down Syndrome.  Change is not his strong suit.  He always adapts but needs to do it at his pace.  He adores Potato Bug and really did from day one so I'm optimistic this next homecoming won't be any different.  Well, actually it will be different!  PB was 2 yrs 8 months at homecoming and was very independent.  Hoot is a baby and will have all the wonderful needs that come along with a baby.  I'm expecting a few tears from both of them in this adjusting process!  Boom Boom has a hard time waiting for his needs to be met.  When that boy wants to eat it's not something he's patient about!  He doesn't self feed so when he wants to eat it's a process.  What if they both want to eat at the same time????  Oh boy!

Potato Bug is super excited for a brother and sister!  He talks about it all the time and has big plans for Scholar and Hoot.  However I don't think he really realizes yet how much they both will need Baba and I.  PB needs constant assurance in his attachment to us, especially me.  I feel our attachment is strong but I don't feel he's always secure.  He needs constant touch and attention from me, his tank is rarely full.  I could pour attention into him all day and he still needs to have a hand on me, I'm his lifeline and he's so not ready to ease his hold, let alone share.  He is going to join us in China on this trip, he needs to.  We were planning on going solo so that we could focus on Scholar and Hoot.  But PB needs to see this journey through.  He's been a part of this process and has been anticipating his siblings  coming home from the beginning.  It's also brought up a lot of questions about his adoption and he's so open to his story and the dialogue has been wonderful.  Scholar and him are from the same orphanage and he wants to go back.  He want's to see where he played, his bed, his nannies, and where he spent his first few years.  He was very close to his nannies but has no memories other than what we tell him and the pictures we have.  Adoption is very traumatic.  These babies are handed to strangers, it's legalized kidnapping.  Many of these kids have never seen a white person before.  Imagine the fear they must feel (on our most anticipated day!!) being handed to someone who looks, smells, and talks different from anything they've ever seen!  So really, it's no wonder Potato Bug remembers nothing, it's a defensive mechanism to move on and accept this change that he has no control over.  He was speaking at the time we adopted him but used very little Chinese with us.  He starting mimicking english on day 1, he never looked back.  I'm a little nervous if this trip will trigger any memories.  He does have nightmares sometimes and I'm expecting more to come!  What he can't verbalize comes out in his dreams.  

This is a very special photo, one of my favorites.  This

was taken on our way to visit his orphanage.  He had been our son for 4 days.  We were just

starting to really attach.  He was becoming trusting of us and accepting

our affection and attention.  I was so scared we would lose that progress but knew we 

had to take the chance.  Some families choose to not go back because of

the risk of re traumatizing the child.  PB had already said goodbye to his friends and nannies.

But this was the only chance we had to see his beginnings and to document that for him.  

We felt that someday he would want that glimpse into his first few years.  So we took that chance.

That chance also brought Scholar to us.  If we didn't go that day we never

would be bringing Scholar home. 

So this last "trimester" is conjuring up so much of my feelings with Potato Bugs adoption.  He really has done remarkable and I hope for the same with Scholar and Hoot. Just like any birth, they're all different and we just hope, that as parents, we have the wisdom to guide them well on this journey.

See you soon Scholar and Hoot!

*While writing this post Potato Bug has been sitting next to me and rubbing and kissing my arm the whole time.  Nothing is sweeter than when he rubs his lips along my arm like a feather.  Love you Potato Bug!  

Already thinking of next Father's day!

What a weekend we had!!  It was a weekend of ups and downs, not sure how we were going to end it! On Friday we got what all adoptive parents live for when they're waiting to bring their kids home.  WE GOT A UPDATE!!!!  I couldn't believe how quick we got it!  On Wednesday I sent a request for an update on our daughter.  We haven't had an update since we got her referral in February, right after we got matched.  This was our last update request we will receive so I was super excited and thoughtful in the questions I asked.  Normally it can take 1-2 weeks (if you're lucky!) and I got it on Friday, barely 2 days!!  Our caseworker said that was just about a record!

The update made me a bit sad.  It really shows the disparity of where she is and where Scholar is.  His orphanage is bright, well maintained, full of toys, books, crafts, computer room, and a indoor playroom.  Granted, I've toured his orphanage so I got to see what it was like, I'm not speculating.  The photos of Hoot looked sad and void of color and happiness.  I'm basing my impression on a 5 second video and 3 pictures so I' hoping I'm just not seeing the full picture!  They say that she is super happy but the last few photos show an apprehensive and sad little baby.  I'm hoping it's just her having a grumpy moment.    The room she is in is devoid of color and looks very institutional.  I just have to remind myself that this is almost the end for her, she is coming home at 15 months old.   Scholar has spent almost 13 years without a family so I'm so grateful that he's been in a decent orphanage.  He's had opportunities and resources that a lot of orphans haven't had, so for that I'm grateful for the care he has received.  But let's just hope it was a bad photo/angle and that she's in a good place too!!

Now to the update!
Hugs comfort her when she's crying.
Her favorite toy is a rattle.
Her favorite food is rice noodles.
She has no words yet.
She can walk with assistance and she is crawling.
She is called Peng Peng.
She is 17 pounds.  She's a little peanuttle!

We didn't get quite everything answered but it's something!  I love Peng Peng, we will weave that into her name!  Also happy to hear she's mobile!  Based on our previous photos she was always on her tummy, never sitting up.  So that is a relief!    Grateful for the update but it sure makes me miss her more!  Hard seeing her cry and her sad face.  Hoot can't get home quick enough!!

Boom Boom spent the weekend trying to decide if he was going to be sick or not.  He has been so off his game this week!  He threw up a few times randomly but never got sick, as in nonstop flu like sick.  He didn't want to eat and was so grumpy!!!  We had plans, big plans for Father's day and this was not looking good for us!!  With our crew we have to go by the seat of our pants a lot, you just never know what the day is going to bring!

But today brought Father's day with two happy boys and no sign of sickness!  Today was Gamer's last Father's day as a daddy of three (we can't forget his furry child, Phoebe!!).  Next year his lap is going to be fuller with two more to hold.  This will be the last Father's day they will be orphans.  Next year will be a year of firsts for these two little loves that I can't wait to share with them.  It still boggles my mind and sends me into panic when I think of having 4 kiddos at home!  That's crazy!  Today the plan was to do a family caravan to Leavenworth, Washington with my parents, brother, and niece.  It's a little Bavarian town in the mountains east of where we live in Lake Stevens.  It's about a 2 hour drive over the mountain passes.  This morning was chaos trying to get ready!!  Potato bug really wanted to make Baba breakfast in bed but there was no time for such daddy spoilage, he was getting McDonalds on the way!  I was scrambling to pack snacks, extra clothes (just in case we had a puker!), sunscreen, Boom Boom's food, and 500 other things we needed for a day trip.  Oh, and we had to rush dad through opening his gifts....we had a schedule and we were already running 20 minutes behind.  Next year there will be two more, two more to pack for, two more to hustle, two more to make Father's day cards with, and two more to be a part of our Forever Family!  It's going to be epic!

Room for two more 

She's a Hoot and a holler!

Our sweet little Hoot!  Oh how I'm counting the days until you're wiggling little self is in my arms!  With Scholar we have been blessed with a lot of updates!!  With Hoot we have some basic info and a few pictures that melt us into a puddle of goo!

But this is really how expecting a baby is!  When you're pregnant you have 9 months to fantasize and dream about your little bundle of joy!  Trying to imagine what you're little love is going to look like, such sweet torturous anticipation!!  You go to your prenatal visits, listen to the heartbeat, get a slight scolding that a pint of Ben and Jerry's a day really isn't the best food to grow a baby!  The ultrasounds!!  Modern technology at it's best!  To see your child in 4D before birth is an amazing modern miracle! You obsess over the clothes, oh the clothes!!  Trying to picture your little lentil in all the things you have amassed!  This is the point where shopping for yourself ceases to exist because nothing can be as cute and adorable as little baby outfits....nothing compares!!

Adoption is also fraught with excitement and obsessing!  I've experienced having a positive pregnancy test and getting a phone call that we have a referral for a baby!  They were both so eagerly anticipated that I can't even compare the two.  That moment when you KNOW another life is joining your family is a moment in time no parent ever forgets.  When I got that phone call that they had a baby girl needing a family I was almost too scared to look!  Has mentioned in my previous posts, it has not been an easy road to finding our daughter.  It's been tough and one of the hardest emotional roller coasters we have ever been on! When I saw her picture, I literally squealed!!  She was just perfect and ADORABLE!!  Of course along with the picture comes the medical info, development, and daily life.  Again, there is not a little history because at the time of referral she was only 9 months old.  But here's what we got:

-She's a Denver Broncos fan (dressed like a boy in blue and orange).  This girl needs some blue and green fast!!
-She does not like pink or is worried her sweater makes her look fat.
-She loves to roll around on the floor mat.
-She loves toys with sounds.
-Quote from her file "she is lovely and ready to smile"
-She laughs aloud.
-She has spina bifida occulta.
-And she likes to be held to sleep while she sucks on her two fingers.

This is our Hoot!  Sounds pretty amazing to us!

We are eagerly anticipating another update on our Hoot so for now this is what we got about our sweet baby girl!  The last tidbit is her nickname.  When we started the process five years ago to bring home a daughter I started collecting owls for her.  I've always loved owls and it just connected with me.  So hopefully she'll like owls because she will have quite a few!!

Gentleman and a Scholar

We are so excited to bring home our sweet boy!  It's been two years since we met him in China and just about 1 year since we knew he was our son and had to bring him home.  Well the seed was definitely planted two years ago, it just took a year to get firmly planted and to grow in our hearts and soul.

A little about our Scholar, we are fortunate to know a lot about him!  We've been able to learn about him from many others who have met him.  For 3 summers he has been able to participate in a week long camp called Bring Me Hope.  It's an opportunity for orphans to enjoy what most kids here get without any thought.  A week of games, being outdoors, swimming, and all the fun that comes with camp.  They are matched with an American volunteer that is their counselor for the week.  Scholar had the most amazing counselor last year that was so special to him and to us.  She was his friend and encouraged him so much that week.  She has also been able to tell us so much about him and the pictures....so many pictures!!!  To actually get pictures of your child's life before adoption is so rare!  There has also been several families who have traveled to his orphanage to bring home their children.  They have asked him questions for us, given him letters, and taken tons of pictures.  It's truly been a gift and has made the wait a bit more bearable!  This is so different from Potato Bugs adoption.  For PB we got a file on him and two updates from the orphanage before we met him.  That's not a lot.  It was basic information about his daily habits, schedule, and medical.  Nothing that said who he really was.   We've had the greatest two years as PB's parents and are still seeing his sweet and spicy personality emerging!

We have been gifted with a ton on Scholar!!!!  He has a sweet soul.  He loves and cares for others,  and he is a leader.  Most orphans in China don't have the opportunity for education.  Some may get some instruction in the orphanage a few may get to go to school in the community.  Scholar has been fortunate to be educated in the community.  He can read/write Mandarin (that is not common) and tutors the other children.  He loves science, technology, reading, Chinese history, and animals.  We also found out that he has two functional patents in China!!  Scholar loves to read.  If given a choice of any activity he will be reading.  The lights are turned off a lot in the orphanage to conserve energy.  It drove him nuts that he couldn't see or write in the evenings.  So he invented a pen that lights up.  I seriously expected a Macgyver attempt, like a pen with a flashlight taped to it but was shocked by what he came up with as a 10 yr old!  It's a real pen with a built in light.  His two inventions have been published and registered in China.  He's an amazing kid, that despite his rough beginnings has passion and  makes the most of any opportunity he is given.  I'm totally inspired by Scholar and can't wait to bring him home so he can pursue his dreams to the fullest.

Scholar also has some physical challenges.  He has Morquio Syndrome, well we're 90% sure that is what he has.  When we met him we knew he had dwarfism.  When we got his medical file we were a little thrown because it wasn't one of the more common types of dwarfism.  Morquio Syndrome (also know as MPS IV) is a very rare degenerative genetic disorder.  His body doesn't produce the enzymes to break down sugar.  The sugars get stored in the body and degenerate the bones over time.  Scholar's legs are severely affected, his legs are bent and he's stuck in a sitting position as his knees are bent inward.  He has not had the test done to fully diagnose him which will happen when he gets home.  Not sure what he's going to face but sure there will be surgeries in his future.  The one thing he will have though is a family to face it with him!  Oh, and he doesn't let this hinder him at all!  I have pictures of him rollerblading, climbing, jumping, and playing with his friends!!  This is our Scholar.

Last week I was out shopping for some picture frames and found this sign.  How cool is that?

Butterflies and a little Hoot!

I have butterflies, serious butterflies in my belly!  This is getting real, very real!  Today we received our LSC.  I know an acronym, so annoying, so I shall enlighten you.  That is our Letter Seeking Confirmation which means we are officially approved to adopt our son.  We received pre approval at the beginning when we first started the process last August so this has been in the works for awhile!  So now I have some serious butterflies!!  This means were are a few months from travel, for reals!!!  Probably September.  That has been our goal but just that.  This is making it more concrete!

I also have butterflies because I have more to say.  This is just getting so real.  I feel like I need to cut to the chase and then I will tell you all how this miracle happened!!  After 5 whole years of tears and waiting we are also bringing home a daughter!!  Yep, it's for real, there will be another female in this house!  My Scattered butterflies are coming home!!  How???  It's a miracle really.  I couldn't have planned it because planning hasn't quite worked out for us.  This happened because it was meant to happen.

When we started the process to bring the Scholar home we also formally left the Ethiopia program.  The program wasn't moving and we knew it was time to say goodbye.  We had The Scholar to focus on and that made it easier.  Of course, my mind kept thinking about a girl!!  I asked Gamer if we could adopt two kids.  Um, he gave me the crazy look!  He was a little hesitant because, hello, that's 4 kids at home!!!  We only have two and doubling it seemed a bit nuts, not to mention the financial responsibility of bringing home another.  Well it really was a long shot anyway so I wasn't too sure it would happen.  We had looked at the files of girls waiting and we didn't see one a girl that was a good fit for our family.  This is the part of adoption I hate!!!!  All these children are precious and deserving and I felt a bit like God picking out a child.  That part of the experience is hard to reconcile at times.  But I had to consider the needs of all my children.  Boom Boom has Down Syndrome and Autism.  He requires a lot of attention and also has limited mobility.  The Scholar also has a disability (more about that later) and has limited mobility.  So really, baby girl, had to be a child with minor needs.  There are actually more boys in China in need of parents than girls.  All the girls we saw had pretty significant needs that I knew would be difficult for me to manage.

The next step was to wait for a match.  We told our agency what needs we were open to and the age range.  So we waited.  We really didn't have a lot of time.  We started this process in September and had until about April to have a match so we could pick up the kids on the same trip.  Seems like a lot of time but not really!  We had a few potential matches but upon medical review we knew that we couldn't proceed.  Again, the part I don't like!  All these girls were precious and deserving.  I sometimes wish I had 8 arms and had an endless supply of energy so I could have done it!

On January 14th, 2015 we finally got the match we had been waiting for!!  A beautiful 2 yr old girl with a repaired heart condition.  We were ecstatic!!  She would be the same age as Potato bug was at the time of adoption.  We thought how awesome is that!!  Then on January 16th we lost her due to a computer glitch!!!  We waited forever for this girl and she was gone!!  The CCCWA (The China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption) hosts a giant database of all the children available for adoption in China.  When a family identifies a child for adoption they are matched with that child in the database.  It takes the child off the available list and allows the family to proceed with their adoption.  Well just a week or so before we were entered into the system they had just done a huge system update.  Well apparently these don't always go over so well!!!  Has our case manager was entering us into the system we got deleted!!  Right as she pushed the "accept" button we got deleted and our dear daughter went back out onto the database!  Agencies from all over the world peruse this database to find potential children for their adoptive families.  Once they lock a file it's theirs to have for 3 days.  They have 3 days to either lock her file (what we were trying to do) or to release her for another family.  This all happened on SUPER BOWL SUNDAY weekend!!!!!!  When this happened on Friday it was already Saturday in China so there was nothing to do until Monday.  So if no other agency took her we could maybe get her back.  Worst weekend ever.  Crappy crappy crappy SUPER BOWL LOSS of all time and we lost her.  Monday came and she was gone.   Seriously there must be some cosmic force that is telling us a daughter is not in the cards for us!!

Gamer and I were contemplating our situation.  Can we afford to proceed?  At this point we had spent about $1500 in just medical reviews and the emotional toll was just as high.  I've never had a miscarriage but this felt just as painful as I could imagine that being.  On January 22 I was driving Boom Boom to Seattle Children's Hospital for Gtube surgery.  Phone rang and it was our agency they had another girl.  I was kind of hesitant and said I'd look later.  She urged me to look at her file ASAP.  So I pulled over and couldn't believe what I was seeing!!!!  I kind of freaked actually.  Seriously nobody gets two perfect matches in a week!!  This match was a bit scary at first though, I really wasn't sure we could take on this need.  This "need" required diapers, bottles, and all that baby stuff!  Yes, we just got matched with a 9 MONTH OLD BABY!!!!!!  We were not planning on that at all.  We were expecting a 3-6 yr old!!  She is the cutest little thing!!!  After the initial shock and panic wore off that we would be the parents of a 1, 4, 8, 12, and 23 yr old- we said yes!!!   Oh and the parents of 3 grandkids, can't forget those darlings!!  Our youngest will be younger than our grandkids!!  

Sorry for the dramatics, but on January 23rd we lost this one as well.  Same problem.  Our agency was assured that the IT (computer tech) had fixed the problem after the last loss.  Again it was Friday and Saturday in China.  Our whole team was devastated.  I actually feel sorry for our case manager having to be the person to call me.  I lost my shit!!!!!!  This didn't just wreck me it wrecked us all.  Our agency was at a loss as to how this could've happened again.  In hindsight we never ever should have done this on a Friday.  We should have had the CCCWA on the phone as we entered her so they could manually hold her for us.  Once she's gone they can't reverse it and take her back from another agency.  The staff watched the list all weekend to see if she was still there.  If I remember correctly she was gone at 1:00pm the following day.  Another agency had taken her.  Because of her age I knew she would find a home.  In the end that is what is important (only comfort I could give myself).  She would never know what she meant to us or that she was our daughter first.  I'm sure she'll go on to have a happy life and wonderful caring parents somewhere else.  We were so heartbroken.  The first one was hard this one was impossible.  Parenting during this time was difficult has was being a wife, this was the darkest of darkest days for us.  I know we aren't the first person to experience the loss of a child but this was our reality and this was a death.

This was the end for us at this point.  We were done and were now just going to focus on our sons and bringing home The Scholar.  I was trying to find the excitement but it was hard.  I reached out to every adoptive mother I knew and poured my heart and grief out to them.  No one knew we had a daughter (small circle of family and that was it) so it was so hard to be grieving and everyone around us thought our lives were just plugging along.  I was very thankful for these mama's , they probably thought I was a little cray cray because I was!!!  Ugh, never want to be there again.

On January 28th our case manager called.  Gamer had just got home from work and I was bawling.  I told him I couldn't get over this.  How can anyone be attached to a child they never met?  She was only ours for 2 days.  How can I be this messed up?  To me she was Ethiopia.  She was the baby we wanted 5 years ago.  We had made piece that that was over.  I was ok with not having a baby and was prepared for a older child.  So when we got this little girl it was a miracle!  She was the end and beginning of this crazy journey.  She was where we started 5 years and was finally the daughter coming home.  That's the only explanation I could come up with for losing my marbles.  My phone was still ringing.  I told Gamer I wasn't answering it.  I hadn't talked to our agency since we lost her.  I couldn't talk to anyone.  I was worried they were going to have a file for us and I had no desire to ever see another file.  Gamer and I sat in the middle of the kids playroom for awhile and the ever patient husband listened to my heart ache.  Finally I decided to listen to the voicemail.  It was a bit before 5 and she wanted me to call her.  She was going to wait until 5:30.  I was pretty annoyed as I did not want to be bothered and frankly I was mad at everyone at this point.

Our conversation:

Me:  Hi, it's Madre, just returning your call.  (haha, if only I said Madre!)
Her:  I'm probably the last person you want to talk too.
Me:  Yes you are  (I'm so mean!!!!)
Her:  We got her back, she's yours, we found her.
Me:  Most ugly cry imaginable!

I then proceeded to throw the phone at my husband and bawled like a baby.  I never got a word out.  Nothing, nada!  So proud of Gamer and his ability to soldier on!  He caught that phone, paced like a madman,  and talked in a "I just won the mega millions!!!!!" voice!  Still kind of a blur to be honest.  Once sanity returned and I was able to speak and listen I found out the story.  The other agency that had her couldn't find a family for her!!  HOW????  She's beautiful and perfect!!  She has Spina Bifida, a very mild form of it but they had no families open to that need.  So our case manager happened to be on the database that morning.  She saw our baby, our Hoot!  She said that was a miracle of all miracles!  And here is where it's a real miracle.  Our agency couldn't lock her.  Once you release a file (in our case lose!) you can't lock that same file for 7 days.  However the CCCWA said that is she became available again they would manually lock her for us.  So our dear sweet case manager (love her again) stayed at the computer all day refreshing the screen as our translated tried for hours to get the IT person on the phone.

So there you have it!  We are going to China to bring home our Scholar and our Hoot!  These kids are so loved and we fought so hard for them.  Every ounce of pain, tears, insanity, and heartache was worth it.  Phew.